Compiled by Dustin & Andy
- When other peoples' razors become dull Chuck Norris uses his beard to sharpen them.
- Chuck Norris once made a Wal Mart fight a Target. Not the employees who worked in those stores, he made the Friggin' Buildings fight! Then Jiffy-Pop was served.
- When Chuck Norris visits a Target store, he makes a point of standing in the parking lot and whizzing into the huge target logo above the store. Swordfight, anyone?
- People don't go missing... Chuck Norris just gets tired of them showing their g-damn faces!
- Chuck Norris can dredge a river with his bare hands.
- The only reason they are called the Pyramids of Egypt and not, "Chuck Norris' Huge-Ass Pyramids", is out of Chuck's respect for antiquity.
- Chuck Norris once lost a hotdog eating contest by half a dog He ate 42.5 hotdogs in 5 minutes the winner ate 43 in five minutes. Frustrated by the loss, over the next 3 minutes, he ate the winner of the contest.
- Chuck Norris subconsciously controls the flow of all email.
- Has Chuck Norris beat up the Army yet for stealing his slogan, "An Army of One"?
- Chuck Norris kills more people by 9 am than most communist dictatorships kill all day!
- God offered Chuck Norris a place in the Holy Trinity, but Chuck turned him down because he thought being part of a group like that would cramp his style.
- Pi = 3.14 or whatever the hell else Chuck Norris says it is!
- Chuck Norris can also calculate pie to the 1 million place in his head.
- When Chuck has a bad day, everyone has a bad day, and when chuck has a good day, everyone gets a puppy!
- The actual reason for the 10 minute count down between picks in the NFL Draft is that first the team decides what player they want then they submit it in writing to Chuck Norris who then approves or un-approves the pick... Last year Chuck had a bad day and he kept saying no to picks which is why the first round took over 6 hours!
- Chuck Norris is actually every team’s Draft choice at every round. Each written draft pick actually says 1: Chuck Norris 2: somebody else’s name. The cards are given to Chuck Norris who then decides weather or not to play football with mere mortals or to continue his deity-like vigil over us.
- Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?Questioning ANYTHING Chuck Norris does is a good way to get a roundhouse kick to the mouth?
- My bank offers Chuck Norris Checking. You can receive a branded debit card with Chuck Norris' photo and signature. It can be used at any merchants, even those who do not accept debit cards. How, you ask? Chuck Norris shows up in a matter of moments and kicks ass. Chuck Norris Checking - the account that kicks your ass!
- If Chuck Norris had been the main character in the DaVinci Code, seventeen pages into the book he would have walked into the scene of the crime, took one look around and said "the Albino did it! Now I'm off to eat some crepes, drink some wine and make some French babes beg for some serious American lovin!"
- "For those about to rock, Chuck Norris salutes you".
- Another name for Roe vs. Wade is: Everyone who supports abortion vs. Chuck Norris's fists. News flash: Chuck's fists win every time.
- Chuck Norris can single handedly overturn the Supreme Court. Not just their decisions, he can actually turn all 9 justices upside-down in one motion!
- Some people swim the English Channel. Chuck Norris spits across it.
- Chuck Norris has been known to go to a deli and order a sandwich just for the toothpick? Why? Because he’s CHUCK F-ING NORRIS!
- Chuck Norris can watch 60 Minutes in less than a half hour
- the 5 branches of the military are Army, Navy, Air force, Marines and Chuck Norris
- Van Halen reunited with David Lee Roth because one day Chuck Norris got “Ain’t Talkin’ Bout Love” stuck in his head.
- When Chuck Norris goes to Subway he goes up to the counter and politely orders a Meatball sub. And by Meatball, I mean "the entire store", and by sub, "the block on which the building is situated".
- A single drop of Chuck Norris’s blood could power an entire city, and fuel all the cars therein for a year. Good luck on getting Chuck Norris to bleed!
- Oprah thinks it’s a big deal to be a guest on Chuck Norris’s show.
- The song Proud to Be An American (or, Proud to eat at Hoernemann), really started out like this:
I am Proud to know Chuck Norris
Who gives roundhouse kicks for free
And I won't forget Chuck Norris
Who kicks ass with glee
I'll proudly stand up
Next to Chuck
He's defending still today
There ain't know doubt I love that guy
God bless the Chuck-S-A! - Chuck Norris was taking a walk in the desert one day. He suddenly had the urge to fart. He saved it up for a while before finally letting go. It was so loud and so powerful that it formed the geographic landmark we now call the “Grand Canyon”
- Chuck Norris is the only person to win the Nobel War Prize
- Chuck Norris created a time machine out of an Atari 2600, electric football game, a roll of duck tape, and a paper clip. He went back in time to before there was life on earth, hocked a loogie into the ocean thus forming the first single-celled organisms on the planet from which all life eventually evolved. Thus let it be known, we are all one in Chuck.
- When Chuck Norris wants a tan, he doesn't visit the beach, he goes to the Sun.
- Until 1968 there were no craters on the moon. It was that summer that Chuck Norris took batting practice one afternoon launching baseballs into outerspace. Their impact was so hard they left holes all over the moon's surface. This prompted President Kennedy to send Niel Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin to the moon to find out what the hell was going on up there.
- God asked Chuck Norris what nationality he wanted to be. When he said American God asked why? To which Chuck Replied, if I were French then single handedly the Nazi's would be defeated when they try to invade France and the world will never know the capacity a dictator has for evil.
- Roger Maris hit 61 homers in one season, but Chuck Norris hit 62 in one game during a 1983 spring training game in a guest appearance for the Texas Rangers. Ironically, he was only scheduled to sing the National Anthem.
- Chuck Norris is the 0th Beatle
- People went crazy to see the Beatles. The Beatles went crazy to see Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris is flat out better than Mike Ditka. Ditka tried to attack Chuck once, but hurt his fist on Chuck's beard. Chuck laughed for 2 days. Those were good times, he thought.
- Warning: Never play paper football with Chuck Norris. The force with which he kicks the paper field goal is roughly equilivant to the force of a bullett being fired from a Smith & Wesson 22mm semi-automatic pistol. You don't want to take one of those in the chest!
- After Chuck Norris threw the garter belt at his wedding, he completely took out all the males who were attempting to catch it with a flurry of punches and kicks, and caught it himself without it hitting the floor.
- Chuck Norris had strippers at his wedding!
- The US government has never actually tested nuclear bombs on the Bikini Island's in the South Pacific. That's just the cover story used when Chuck Norris starts making Mild Chili. God save us if he ever tries hot!
- Chuck Norris doesn't use a toothpick, he uses an oak tree.
- Chuck Norris eats nails... and shits staples!
- Chuck Norris found the Holy Grail once. He sold it at his garage sale for $5 and the buyer was ecstatic. Chuck then went to his house, kicked his ass, and took it.
- Chuck Norris has never taken a dump… he leaves them.
- Chuck Norris once challenged all the pitchers in the National League voted into the 1996 all-star game to a game of dodge ball. After 3 minutes and 19 seconds the best throwing athletes in the world were all out and only Mr. Norris remained. He then asked the American League pitchers to a game, they forfeited after they realized he only threw the ball 4 times.
- Chuck Norris once rendered an entire Folger's coffee plant useless through a series of destructive roundhouse kicks for processing "French roast" coffee, saying, "Coffee shouldn't be for pansies."
- There are no one-hit-wonders. Just bands that Chuck Norris got tired of really fast then beat them up and broke all their instruments before they could record a second song!
- Chuck Norris laughed at a frat party when someone bonged a beer through a funnel and hose. He asked everyone to follow him out back. He proceeded to bong beer from a cement truck.
- Chuck Norris can shape a diamond with his teeth.
- Chuck Norris can turn an asphalt parking lot into pudding.
- Chuck Norris Facts don’t have to make sense… because they’re about CHUCK NORRIS!
- Chuck Norris's middle finger has the power to bring about 6 of the 7 plagues from Exodus. You don't want to know what he does to bring about the 7th!
- Chuck Norris can turn diamonds into coal
- In 2004 Chuck Norris got new swimming trunks for Christmas. The next day he tried them out by to ing to the Beach in LA. He did a cannonball off a dive platform resulting wave traveled around the world eventually causing the the Thailand Tsunami.
- Chuck Norris is the nexus of the universe. No mater where he goes the universe travels around him
- Chuck Norris is a one-man reality show
- Lynda Hogan left Hulk to be with Chuck Norris
- Chuck Norris will be the next face on mount Rushmore
- Chuck Norris doesn't ask women for phone numbers. He just decides which ones he wants.
- In the 2008 election, Chuck Norris's vote is the only one that will truly count. The rest of the election is done to keep the rest of the country from rioting, because Chuck just doesn’t' want to put up with kicking that many people's butts.
- The birth of Chuck Norris was mistaken for the second coming of Jesus. It has since been renamed the First Coming of Chuck Norris
- Chuck Norris is the true father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby
- Chuck Norris can land one on the green of a par 5 from the Tee.
- The only reason Chuck Norris's face isn't on Mt. Rushmore is because Chuck Norris IS Mt. Rushmore.
- Chuck Norris does not take days off from work. Work takes days off from Chuck Norris
- Chuck Norris can grill a perfect steak by just staring at in saying the word "cook!"
- Convection ovens are just appliances that have harnessed the power from Chuck's eyes.
- After Chuck Norris grills, he turns the charcoal into diamonds and sells them.
- Chuck Norris has never eaten, been in contact with or acknowledged the existence of vegetables.
- Chuck Norris can power wash a deck by spitting on it.
- I can be round-house kicked by Chuck Norris, therefore I am!
- Chuck Norris can slay a man through email. Therefore, tread lightly in cyberspace.
- Chuck Norris could have beaten Apollo Creed in 1 movie.
- Chuck Norris could get to Mars in a '78 Gremlin.
- Chuck Norris is the fastest living thing on a pair of ice skates. In fact, he often has trouble going so fast he burns through the ice.
- NASA sent the Phoenix Lander to see if there was life on Mars. Had they sent Chuck Norris they would have only confirmed that there was death on mars.
- Chuck Norris is handicap accessible. Meaning even if you're handicapped, he can access you for an ass kicking!
- Recent discoveries show that the Israelites didn't build an idol of a golden calf in the desert, but an idol of a golden Chuck Norris. They were way more ahead of their time than anyone realized!
- Chuck Norris doesn't use AAA. AAA asks Chuck Norris for directions.
- Chuck Norris is HD ready
- Chuck Norris once beat the crap out of the band UB40. Hey, he didn't want to hear any quasi-reggae pop music that day, o.k.?
- Chuck Norris makes Jean-Claude Van Damme look like Stephan Segal
- Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter
- All 3 presidential candidates could stop talking about socialized healthcare if Chuck Norris would just stop hitting people.
- Chuck Norris can shred a 10 pound cheese wheel by pushing it through a window screen with one hand.
- A Chucktatershp is the best form of government we could possibly hope for. This is as opposed to a Chuck Tater-Chip which is a Chuck Norris endorsed snack food by Frito-Lay.
- Chuck Norris eats chip dip out of volcanoes.
- God once challenged Chuck Norris to an arm wrestling match. To this day theologians debate weather Chuck Norris was defeated legitimately or lost because he had respect for the Almighty, or because winning would mean he just would have to be associated with the likes of Jerry Fawell and Jeremiah Wright.
- You can gauge Chuck Norris' mood by the sheen of his beard, or if he explodes with a series of roundhouse kicks and punches.
- The fastest microprocessor in the world can perform 4 billion calculations a second, but still can’t roundhouse kick worth a crap. Chuck Norris can only perform 2 billion calculations per second but can roundhouse kick in any direction. Now which one do you want with you in a dark alley?
- Given the Browns legacy in the Superbowl Era, it's obvious that Chuck Norris probably isn't a fan.
- The atomic weight of Chuck Norris is "a round house kick to the jaw"
- On occasion Bill Gates has asked Chuck Norris for a loan.
- Chuck Norris has already figured out Lost!
- We just have to draw the line somewhere with Chuck Norris, and it's wherever he tells us to draw it.
