Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Four Garters and no wife…

I’m not the most athletic guy in the world. Oh I have my moments. I’m valued by my volleyball team, I ran track and cross country all the way through college, I’ve even lifted a weight or two! But I seem to have one competitive skill that just happens to outshine the others.

I catch garters at weddings.

I caught my first garter at the age of 12, I thought it was the neatest thing… Not only did I get to catch this lacy silky thing, I go to put it on some good looking blonde’s leg. Sadly, however this would be my only chance to perform the second half of the Garter ceremony due to a series of coincidences to be described forthcoming.

That early 90’s summer night was pretty wild. Now I know the proper thing to do here is to put the garter as high as possible on the bouquet catcher’s leg as possible. But in my youth I was much shier than I am now. And my parents were there. I did my best to put on a show nonetheless.

My second catch was at a close college friend’s wedding.

It just so happened the one of my former college track teammate's dates caught the bouquet. Her name is Renee, and she's about 5"5' buxom blond with a beautiful smile and did I mention she's an aerobics instructor? No, well that should give you a mental image of the type of woman we're dealing with here. Now if it were anyone else I probably would have not done what I'm about to describe. But at least I have plenty of beer coming my way.

Renee's boyfriend at the time is about 5"4' and 220 lbs. I'm not exactly sure what he does for a living, but as long as I’ve known him I've known 2 things about him.
1) He’s got incredible speed for up to 200 meters
2) He can bench press about 3 of me!

So, as Adam (the groom) pulls of the garter from Amy (bride)… Oh on a side note, Adam’s looking again. Jason and I are at the front of the group trying to catch the piece of lingerie. (Didn’t think I could spell that word did you? well I looked it up!) The garter went up! A volley of hands reached and batted the flimsy piece of silk forward. Like a right outside linebacker spotting a loose football I dove at my target. The path was clear and I was about to beat 20 other single guys to the goal.

Yes, I had recovered the garter; it was in my hands and mine for the keeping!

Does the story end here? No, Of course not! When have I ever posted a story about my life that ends in absolute bliss? When have I ever written a story where I actually get the girl? When have I ever been able to sit back, tell everyone that my life is perfect and I have every want and desire fulfilled? Never I tell you NEVER! Because stories that end that way just totally suck!

Thus my adventure continues. There I was, on the ground, lingerie in my hand, however at that moment I ceased to be that linebacker. I turned, saw Jason and suddenly became a punt returner. Not the speed returner but the guy who catches the ball and pitches it back to his teammate and blocks a path to the endzone.

Yes my friends, I gave up my chance to touch a girl's leg (cut me some slack... its been a while) out of sheer loyalty to my friend... oh, and um, absolute fear for my life. Jason owes me more free beer than he realizes!

Now seeing as my selfless act ended in all parties involved returning shortly to singlehood I have resolved to do my matrimonial duty and ruthlessly obtain small items of lingerie by any means necessary.

Fast forward a couple years to my friend Tom’s wedding. Tom and I grew up in the same church. Though we didn’t go to the same school or hang out a whole lot outside of church we are always able to pick up where we left off when we see each other around holidays and such back at the old church.

Now Tom is a basketball player and coach, not professionally, but for the school he at which he teaches. Therefore many of his friends are also basketball-playing dudes. Me, well, I’m a football fan. So while Tom is reaching up under his new bride’s dress (it sounds naughty, but it’s appropriate when you think about it!) and pulls out the circular lace accent piece.

As the basketball players all tried to box each other out as if to rebound a missed jumpshot I summoned the spirit of Pittsburgh Steelers Safety, Troy Polamalu and chased down the airborne object, not allowing it to travel toward the guys playing basketball.

Upon grasping the item I tucked it under my arm and ran the distance of the dance floor as if it were the end zone.


That brings us to this past Saturday and the wedding of two friends from my current church. The wedding ceremony itself was simple and short, and thus quite impressive to my catholic “date” (don’t ask, this isn’t a dating blog).

The reception was equally nice, and after an eight-year-old girl caught the bouquet It was my turn to put on a show.

This summer I started playing sand volleyball at a local bar. It’s fun, you get to meet interesting people and there’s something about playing in the sand that makes you happy! I’ve also gained quite the skill for diving for white projectile objects. (you totally know where I’m going with this!)

As the crowd awaits, Phil feels around under Katie’s dress and pulls out the satiny circle. On a count of three he tosses the lingerie over his shoulder and to the opposite side of the single-guy crowd from me.

Without thinking, only reacting, I leap over some toddlers before me and in front of some large ex-football types to the right of me to snag the garter as I landed on my stomach and slid four feet toward the bar.

A more spectacular dive Greg Louganis could not have made.

So there you have it, I have caught the garter four times and I’m still single. So if you’re a girl who’s still single and keeps catching bouquets, please reply below with your name, email address, a photo and your bra size!

Kidding about that last one… but not really!


Anonymous said...

and an empty comments field... well, until now.

better luck in the future.

Anonymous said...

My stories are not at all as exciting as yours. No I will not leave my bra size implanted into your brain but you know what I look like, you have my phone number and the only reason I am reading this is because you emailed me. But since we have been friends for this long and no romance has spawned I think we would just be fooling ourselves. I do wish you the best in the dating, catching and relationship scene. May you meet a lady with your unique intrests.
I do find it quite amusing that we have this catching ability in common. The funny thing is that the last two I have caught have been out of courtesy because no one else wanted to be anywhere close to it. The crowd split as if the bouquet was contaminated with the plague. A few times I even picked the flowers back up, handed them to the bride and requested a re-toss.
The first and best catch was by sure instinct. A very eager, very tall lady was behind me and certainly she could have gotten in but up popped my arm and my hand snatched it away. I quickly went in the house and refused to come out because the last thing I wanted to do was to dance with the garter catcher. Somehow I have successfully avoided the after catching rituals every time much to the dismay of garter catchers like yourself.