Monday, January 16, 2006

Friday the 13th

Why is Friday the 13th considered unlucky? suggests there is no logical reason for this superstition but gives a lot of historical anecdotes about foul fortune on Fridays and surrounding the number thirteen. Basically, it’s a superstition.

Until it happened to me!

Friday was a pretty uneventful itself during the day. Asside from a little being a bit tired from staying up for some reason to watch an old episode of South Park that started at midnight on Friday (cue “Psycho” music), I was there to face the day.

There were good things that happened on Friday. Michael brought in doughnuts for the team, and Jason emailed me reminding me that we had talked about beer and dinner this week. So that was good too!

However I guess between the doughnuts, the nachos and SkyLine Chilly that I had for lunch the fat content in my diet wasn’t all that great.

But those are just details, not the real part of this story.

As I was driving over to New Albany to spend the evening with Jason and Kelly, I found myself not paying attention and got in the wrong lane off the freeway. I figured I’d just follow this road around and catch up with where I’m supposed to be going. No big deal… but one wrong turn, turned into another and I’m sure I missed my road several times.

That’s when I tried to pull into a driveway and turn back around. It was dark, rainy, and the way the headlights reflected off the grass, it was hard to tell where the lawn began and the gravel driveway ended, so I ended up overshooting the driveway. Normally this isn’t more of a foul than leaving some tire marks in a stranger’s lawn. However tonight was Friday the 13th so nothing is going to be simple here.


I’m stuck on something. I try reverse.


The car won’t budge.

So I do the natural thing, I give it more gas in both directions.

Cl-cunk! Cl-cunk!
I’m not going anywhere.

I get out and look under the car, not having a flashlight; I feel around and find some metal obstacle stuck under the front end of the car. I call Jason and tell him I’m not sure where I am but the last road I was on was Central College.

He finds me and in the mean time I had the idea that maybe I can jack up the car enough to get the front end over he obstacle and push it out of harm’s way.

Did I mention it was raining? So the ground was soggy, and the front tires are in the grass. This particular street happens to have a rather wide shoulder for a two-lane road. So my jack is sitting in the mushy grass and doesn’t do much for raising the car. When Jason gets there his headlights provide insight into a SECOND OBSTICLE. This one isn’t just caught on the front end, it’s wedged in the frame of frame of the… okay I’m not a car guy, but it was wedged into something on my car.

So we call a tow truck… well he calls for a tow truck, because his insurance company will answer the phone at 9:00 on a Friday night.

After a quick jaunt over to the gas station for his car to get some fuel we’re back at my immobile automobile and the tow truck arrives about twenty minutes later.

At this point the owner of the house I’m parked in front of comes out and explains that we can’t drive the wrecker through his yard, I think he was looking for an altercation so I did my best to explain that we won’t do anything to his lawn and that everything will take place on the other side of the driveway.

He goes back in the house slightly calmer for not having to enter an argument.

We explain the situation to the tow truck guy. Who looks at the obstacle closest to the wheel. This is the strangest stuck car he’s ever seen.

Well about 35 minutes and $58 later I’m free.

I walk back up to the house and apologize for a small mark in his yard, I give the man of the house my business card to which he says “Your card’s not worth anything to me.” I told him, that it has my phone number on it if he needs to get a hold of me. And then I offered to bring him some topsoil to repair the damage.

Again I think he was geared up for an argument but I wasn’t going to give it to him.

Jason has some extra topsoil and gives it to me so I leave and go home.

The next day I made good on my promise and dropped off 2 bags of topsoil on his front porch but didn’t disturb him. Basically I think he expected me to do some yard work and re-seed the lawn. But on a 29 degree day in mid January It’s pretty pointless with more winter to come.

At least he’s ready for spring.

I think I used up all the bad luck on Friday, because the Steelers really pulled one out on Sunday!

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Review of Broke Back Mountain… Bare Back Mountain… Backdoor Mountain

I forget the title, I didn’t see it.

But Becky did (congrats, you made the blog) and I will write my review off of her analysis.

Becky said that the movie has some really hot guys but had a really sad story.

This synopsis combined with the previous knowledge that the two “hot guys” engage in acts expressly stated as “no-no’s” in the Bible, I was able to draw the true motive behind this film.

It’s softcore porn for women!

Think about it, Anytime you’ve turned Cinemax on after midnight there’s 2 women sharing a jail cell, wearing some rather reveling prison uniforms and eventually they do things also considered no-no’s by the Bible. This is also the sole reason most men subscribe to Cinemax.

Guys like inmates, girls like cowboys; it’s the natural order of things. Girls also like Lifetime which is nothing but sad stories. Remember those old Reese's cups commercials “You got peanut butter in my chocolate… you got chocolate in my peanut butter!”

Welcome to the 21st Century: “You got gay cowboys in my depressing story… You got depressing story all over my gay cowboys!”

Now I can just imagine the pitch meeting with the studio executives for this movie.

“Larry, I want to pitch you this movie about cowboys… but instead of riding horses and women, they ride each other!”

“Walter, That’s great! The gay thing totally pisses on the values of middle America, which should reverse our declining ticket sales! Wanna make out?”

Congratulations, Hollywood, you’ve gotten it wrong again with Bend Over Mountain. But then again, that’s hardly news.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Coach Andy Fixes the NFL

Several NFL teams have said goodbye to their coaches this week. The list includes Capers out in Texas (this was expected when Jimmy Johnson publicly turned the job down on TV), Haslett out in New Orleans/San Antonio. Martz gone from St. Louis, Sherman out in Green Bay, Tice gone from the Twin cities, and this on top of Vermeil retiring from KC. By Tuesday the Raiders added coach Norv Turner to the list.

With now seven coaching positions open in the NFL It’s time I got my resume together and applied for some jobs.

Andy’s first day as coach of the Minnesota Vikings
I would stand in front of the whole team and ask, “Who likes hookers? Okay everyone with your hand up in the air, you’re cut! Now, who likes to win? Why aren't you people raising your hands!!!”

Andy’s first day as coach of the Green Bay Packers
“Favre, I'm trading you to Baltimore for their entire Offensive line!”

Andy’s first day as coach of the Houston Texans
“Davis, Carr, I'm trading you two for linemen, drafting Reggie bush and picking up Harrington as a free agent and changing the team name to the Oilers.”

Of course not every team can be fixed by just trading all the good players for linemen.

Andy’s first day as head coach of the Detroit Lions
Hello team, I'd like to introduce you to the president of the club, Matt Millen . Now KICK HIS ASS!!!