Friday, March 31, 2006

The Passion of Michael Moore

"I'm like Michael Moore, except I'm thin, my jeans are
clean, and God loves me"

-- Ned Flanders The Simpsons

Friday, March 24, 2006

The myth of global warming

This headline makes no sense:
Melting ice threatens sea-level rise

Here's why. Water is one of the only materials that when it freezes, it expands. Thusly, when it melts, it contracts. For instance, if you fill a glass with water and put an ice cube in it then wait for the ice to melt the water level actually goes down.

This is where the environmental movement ceases to hold water (pun intended). Because, as I have stated above, the rise of sea levels cannot be the result of polar melting. Melting icebergs and icecaps (The North Pole being the warmer of the two would be the first to melt which has no land mass under it like the South Pole) would then cause a recession of waters along the coasts.

It is, then, global warming (if it existed) that is keeping the oceans from rising to dangerous levels!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

The Adventures of Andy at Whole Foods

I went to Whole Foods last night for grocery shopping.

They didn't have anything I liked, and the stuff I did like, I couldn't afford.

The only things I bought were some plumbs, a package of bacon some spaghetti (none of their sauces had meat) and some all natural che-tos

I had to get out of there because I was afraid that if I spent any more time there I'd start voting democrat!

They had organic beer.. that totally defeats the purpose of beer!

and they had no sliced cheese. My diet is built around sliced cheese! the closest thing they had was some sort of soy substitute.

You know, I live by the philosophy "Live Fast, Die young, and leave a beautiful corpse" without perservatives in all that Whole Food organic crap, how am I supposed to accomplish the 3rd part of my plan!?

I hear the current Kroger I live next door to will become an Aldi after the new Kroger (from what I hear, it will be the biggest in Ohio) is finished on the other side of the sawmill. I won't be able to continue my other philosophy "Only ever buy as much food as you can carry across the street" because aldi is one of these bulk places.

you don't just buy a box of cereal you buy a crate of it!

You don't buy ground beef there by the pound, you buy it by the metric ton!

It takes a forklift operator and three teamsters to load a package of Oreos into your cart!

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Death and Taxes

It’s tax time. So this week I gathered up my tax forms, receipts, deductions and every other piece of financial information that would help me avoid that one thing we all dread most: Owing the IRS on April 15.

Now I hope I haven’t got pessimistic, and it’s just the subject matter here, but there’s no way to win when it comes to taxes (except maybe setting up residence in some country with no tax laws… but that sounds like a lot of work). Even if I don’t owe on tax day I also get a sinking feeling when I get a return check from Uncle Sam.

Oh, that reminds me, it wasn’t until only a few weeks ago that I finally realized that Uncle Sam has the same initials as United States. I need to start paying closer attention.

You see, when you get money back from the government it means that you should have had that money all year anyway!

I swear I’m not putting this much mental effort into dying. I don’t dread dying, probably because I can do that without the help of a CPA. Not that I don’t love my CPA. I met her in a bar and she was quite inebriated. Okay that’s probably not the best of credentials, but once she sobered up she did a great job for me last year. And sober she knows how to find a write-off by sense of smell!

But where are we as a society when we’re dreading reconciling our accounts with the government more than reconciling our accounts with the Almighty.

Maybe, I just have an inside track on the later.

I’ll give you a hint, that Jesus guy was right!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 is pure evil!

So last night I was on returning some emails to a friend in Washington state when I saw a bulletin posted with the title "David Hasslehoff"

Having a minor obsession with the former Knight Rider star.. Okay it's not obsessed in a Brokeback Mountain way... I just tend to have dreams about him. Like the time I dreamt that he was an Iraqi spy and he was trying to steal my hotmail password because that's where the US Military Secrets were kept.

Sure I suppose that's technically a dream about Donald Rumsfeld, but he never had a talking car... or Donna D'errico hanging around him. Not that Rummy couldn't get a babe like that. I mean seriously, some guys go out and buy snazzy suits and get expensive haircuts to make up for something they're lacking... I've seen his press conferences, in those drab suits and slicked back hair he's not impressing anyone... at least on the outside!

Where was I? Oh, yes. Myspace.

So I click on this David Hasslehoff bulletin and up pops a video of him singing a cover of "Hooked on a feeling" With the worlds cheapest video production ever.

Why is myspace evil? This morning I still had the song going through my head!

And because Missery loves compay I'm letting you expeerience it first hand!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Andy's Oscars

I'm holding my own Oscars this year. The rules of my awards show:
  1. No left-wing pinko commie rants in the acceptance speeches.
  2. No gay cowboys!

Also I will be limiting nominees to films I saw this year. All nominees will come from:

Here are my winners so far:

Best music:
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe.
It's an classic score with an epic sound. We've heard it before but it's what we've come to expect from our fantasy movies.

Best supporting actor/actress:
Michael Caine (Batman Begins)
The depth he brings to Alfred was some of the best exploration of this character there has ever been.

Best Actress:
Dakota Fanning: War of the Worlds
Yes she's only 12 but she can out act about 3/4 of the people in Hollywood. Her portrayal of a bright girl with an anxiety disorder saved the movie from Tom Cruise's off-screen soap opera.

Best Actor:
Steve Corell: The 40 year old Virgin
This strait man did everything right in making you believe he'd never known the pleasures of a woman. He also made you want to drink Orange Fanta!

Best Director:
George Lucas: Revenge of the Sith
This is really a lifetime achievement award for the father of the Star Wars Franchise. No he's not the best director, or even the best writer but he's brought a lot of innovations to the film industry. This is his last film so let's just wave goodbye to him while the waving's good!

Best Film:

I have 3 nominees :

  • The 40 Year Old Virgin - A raunchy comedy with a moral
  • Batman Begins - Actually a good movie!
  • Chronicles of Narnia - Amazing special effects

(I would have nominated Jessica Alba’s skin-tight uniform in Fantastic Four but there really is no Best Costume category at Andy’s Oscars)

So the winner will be determined in the most fair way possible. A game of Texas Holdem!

No betting, just whoever was first to hold the best hand 3 times wins the. People say that they watch Poker on ESPN2 for the larger-than-life personalities at the table. I say you haven’t played poker until you’ve played with Mr. Tumnus, Batman and a 40 year old virgin!

Round 1:
Mr. Tumnus wins with a pair of pocket 3's
Round 2:
Batman and Tumnus both have two pair of 10's and 8's with Batman's pocket 3 being the next highest card.
Round 3:
Batman wins again with a pair of 6's
Round 4:
The 40 Yeard Virgin takes a strain high Ace
Round 5:
The Virgin wins again wiht a second strait in a row!
Round 6:
in an unprecidented comeback the 40 Year Old Virgin's pair of 6's beat Batman's pocket 3's.
The 40 Year Old Virgin wins the Andy Oscar!
Congrats to Steve Carell taking home 2 Andy's Oscars and all the other nominees!