Wednesday, April 25, 2007

A case for using more toilet paper

This week Pop Singer Sheryl Crowe proposed: "I think we are an industrious-enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit."

But, she adds on her website: "Except, of course, for those pesky occasions where two or three could be required." (Full article)

Sheryl, you ignorant slut…

IF (remember I start these things with big if's) Global warming is caused by carbon being released into the atmosphere and carbon is offset by the planting of trees and toilet paper comes from trees then the right thing to do is use MORE toilet paper.

If you use more toilet paper then the demand goes up. If the demand goes up the cost of supply goes up, if the cost of supply goes up it then becomes more profitable for tree farmers to increase their tree production which means more trees get planted.

The free market will always find a way to supply for what is demanded.

If you want to save the dolphins we need to make burgers out of them.

There are no cows, chickens, pigs or any other animal you might find slaughtered and sliced for sale at your local grocery store on the endangered species list. The reason being is that the free market has ensured their survival because they are popular food items.

With no real purpose to the dolphin, there are no economic forces keeping it alive.

If dolphin burgers ever caught on, then there would be gigantic sea farms built because raising dolphins for meat would be a profitable business. With dolphins as a delicacy they would join cows, chickens, pigs and other animals raised for the slaughter, and consequently abundant in numbers.

(Special thanks to Dustin for inspiring much of this through our daily email correspondences)

Monday, April 23, 2007

In The News Quickie

The Adventures of Andy Presents:
Baldwin calls daughter a 'pig' in phone outburst
Alec Baldwin called his 11-year-old daughter a "rude, thoughtless little pig"
when she failed to answer the phone to him.
Honestly I assume anyone with the last name of Baldwin is a "rude, thoughtless little pig"

Singer proposes toilet paper limits,23599,21606753-2,00.html

SINGER Sheryl Crowe has proposed a unique way in which to beat global warming
- limit the use of toilet paper.

"I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be
used in any one sitting."

Crowe had no comments on weather or not she will be buying toilet paper offsets. Also in the works: Banning the Burrito.

That's the news, I hope it was as good for you as it was for me!

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Drive: Fox puts the petal to the metal

Fox’s new action thriller series Drive is the story of a race. This race has a thirty-two million dollar prize and for at least one man, the chance to reunite with his missing wife.

The Fox Network does two things well, action and cartoons. While 24 re-defined action television, Drive seems to be the next logical step forward after Prison Break. This series looks like once again Fox is will deliver a high-octane (pun intended) thrill ride (another pun) with intricate story driven character development.

The most important part of a series premier is the segment before the first commercial break. Clocking in at roughly 18 minutes we are bombarded with information about the series plot and three driver back stories.

First there is Alex Tully (Nathan Fillion) whose wife has mysteriously disappeared one week ago in Nebraska. Next we get the motivation for Wendy Patrakas (Melanie Lynskey). She just had a baby and immediately joins this road race from Ohio. Finally we are introduced to Winston Salazar (Kevin Alejandro) on the day he is released from prison in Maryland.

These three have absolutely nothing in common save that on this particular day they all received a mysterious black cell phone. When it rings the voice on the other end gives each of them instructions to drive to Key West.

This takes care of the first eight minutes of the series. As we were introduced to three characters, the opening credits list no less than ten drivers are credited.

While the show will get it’s pacing comparisons to 24, the series is shaping up to be more like Lost. An ensemble cast drawn together through one common twist of fate. Like Lost each character not have a flashback to their life before the race, but in an unintended comment on society, they are also connected back to the world from which they came via personal cell phone (as opposed to the one provided to them for the race). Those conversations serve to shed light on the motivation for each character’s involvement with the race.

The premier episode focuses on the story of Tully the character with the most sympathetic cause: A missing wife who may or may not be at the end of the race.

While driving, Tully picks up a passenger who is another contestant. Now with multiple people in each car we have the means for conversational plot development.

On the other side of the circumstance of the show are those mysterious cell phones offering instructions. In what would otherwise be some sadistic reality show the phones serve to take the place of Phil Keoghan who introduces each week’s new challenge on The Amazing Race.

The cast, who is likely better looking than ten reality show contestants, is full of some recognizable faces and fine actors. Among the most recognizable is Nathan Fillion who has endeared audiences of nearly everything he has done. He is the classic blue-collar everyman.

Getting a chance to spread her dramatic wings is Melanie Lynskey who was most recently seen as the crazy neighbor on Two and a Half Men. Nowhere closer to resolving any romantic issues, she’s on the run from an abusive husband.

The most recognizable face on this road would be that of Dylan Baker who plays Peter Parker’s mentor and professor in the Spider-Man Movies. Here again he is an engineer who winds up in the race with his seventeen-year-old daughter.

One interesting stylistic decision made for the series is the music. Instead of promoting popular music to set the scene, the series soundtrack features highly recognizable classic rock remakes. Of course each song has a driving theme such as The Doors’ Roadhouse Blues and Golden Earring’s Radar Love.

Drive is somewhere between NASCAR, Lost and your choice of reality show. For those who will adopt the series as a favorite the fortunate thing is that this format will allow the writers to wrap up the series in a couple episodes should the show not live past the first season. On the other hand, as another serialized action/drama if you missed the first two-hour episode you’ll likely never see it until the DVD release.

Friday, April 06, 2007

I’m not really Jesus but I play him at church

For those of you not old enough to remember, or just never took a marketing class there once was a medicine commercial starring an actor from a TV medical show. The actor started out “I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV…” He then leverages his credibility as an actor playing a doctor not an actual doctor to recommend some sort of medicine.

That being said, I will now be leveraging my portrayal as Jesus during my church’s Easter Week services to recommend hat you believe everything on my blog.

Yes I have now followed in the steps of Jim Caviezel, and… well I don’t know anyone else who has played Jesus. But since Jim Caviezel also played Bobby Jones, the amateur golfer who started Augusta National Golf Club and subsequently the Masters (which also wraps up Easter Sunday this year) I think that’s enough credibility for one Blog Post.

So this week I made my debut as a thespian at church. Each night between Monday and Thursday we had a narrator read scripture while actors mimed the motions of the day’s readings.

Monday I got to turn over the moneychanger’s table. Tuesday Judas betrayed me, Wednesday I washed disciple’s feet and Thursday I broke bread and did a perp walk (Yes I used the term “perp walk” when referring to the arrest of Jesus).

Now there are a few things you should remember when playing Jesus.

  1. Remember to take off your digital watch. Jesus acted impatient by tapping a sundial strapped to his wrist.
  2. Be sure to silence your cel phone. Nothing breaks the mood like Jesus postponing the Sermon on the Mount to take a call. Especially if his ringtone is AC/DC’s Back in Black like mine is.
  3. That beard is itchy. So as soon as my final performance was over I took the clippers and a razor to my face for the first time in two weeks. I also got a haircut the next morning and I’m back to my clean-cut self. Now I know how Ben Roethlisberger (the savior of the Pittsburgh Steelers) felt when he couldn’t shave through the 2006 NFL Playoffs.

All in all it’s Easter weekend. Don’t forget to color some eggs, eat a chocolate rabbit and remember just why this is the most important weekend for Christians (and golf fans but that’s another blog post).

Thursday, April 05, 2007

The Last Breakfast

It's Maunday Thursday which in the Christian calendar is traditionally when Jesus and his disciples broke bread in what is called "The Last Supper"

What is lesser known is that they also met earlier in the day for what history has forgotten: The Last Breakfast.

Peter scrambled eggs while Judas (remember he betrayed Jesus for several pieces of silver) went out and bought steaks for the eggs. No bacon at this breakfast, they were all Jewish.

Jesus, not being a morning person, didn't have much to say during breakfast, hence why it was left out of the Bible. But afterwards they all went out and played hacky sack for an hour or so.