Third Time’s a charm for X-Men

Movie fans are quick to point out that sequels are rarely as good as the film that imitated the series. Moreso, the third film in the series is usually a severe downturn in the franchise’s quality. It is a rare event then that a series will actually improve with each installment.

X-Men is one such franchise. This despite a change in the director’s chair (Bryan Singer left for Superman Returns and Brett Ratner succeeds him).

The first X-Men film was a groundbreaking event in comic book-to-film transitions. Instead of bringing the audience into the world of the superheroes, Instead the paradigm shift was to bring the superheroes into our world.

The second X-Men film is widely credited as being better than it’s predecessor. My personal opinion is that the climactic action was included a plot hole that allowed for the death of X-man Jean Grey, which was totally avoidable given the resources of the characters involved.

Fortunately all is forgiven in the resolution found in the third film.

X-Men 3 begins with flashbacks to the first time Professor Xavier meets Jean and also introduces a new mutant, Warren Worthington III, as the mutant son of a successful industrialist, embarrassed to tell his father he is a mutant.

Jean’s lover, Cyclops travels to the site of Jean’s death to find her miraculously alive.

Meanwhile Worthington’s father introduces a “cure” for the mutant gene. This is the core plot of the film and along which sides are drawn. On one side Magneto and his brotherhood seek to destroy the “cure” and its human developers.

Standing in their way are the X-Men with furry blue addition, Beast (Kelsey Grammer).

The wildcard in this match up is Jean Grey, who has been resurrected with a magnificent increase in power.

The movie is paced quite well, and even though two principle characters are killed off in the first half of the movie, it sets up a great emotional monologue for Haley Berry (Storm) to show off her Oscar-wining acting. Patrick Stewart ( Professor Xavier) and Ian McKellen (Magneto), offer the most acting experience and the best performances, followed by Hugh Jackman (Wolverine) and Haley Berry who are the clear stars, and with just cause. Berry for her Oscar and Jackman because Wolverine is clearly the favorite mutant among long-time X-fans.

The rest of the cast, while young, provides passable performances that help to movie along the plot rather than drag you into the mire of teeny-bopper soap opera sub plots.

In the end the movie is very high quality. Not only as a summer popcorn muncher, but as a gripping story that draws the viewer into the climactic final battle. I for one found myself on the edge of my seat anticipating the final showdown. It was worth it.

X-men 3 is a great film, satisfying long-time X-men comic fans as well as fans introduced to mutants exclusively through the movies.

Oh, and a little hint. When you see this movie, sit through the credits!

Poseidon – After 3 tries you think it would have gotten better.

One of the greatest disaster movies of all time would have to be The Poseidon Adventure with Gene Hackman. That movie was a riveting tale of survival against all odds. On the surface this movie does just that, but anyone who has seen the original will find much to be desired.

Kurt Russle is our hero, and is so in many ways. As Robert Ramsey he is the former mayor of New York and an ex firefighter… wait, is this a Backdraft sequel?

Of course the ship is turned upside down at the stroke of midnight in on New Year’s Eve by a Rogue Wave (I never heard of such a thing but it makes for some interesting reading) that leaves our band of oceanic voyagers upside-down in the ship’s ballroom.

Filling out our cast of adventurers not willing to stay put in the ship’s ballroom is Emily Rossum as the hero’s daughter, Mike Vogal as her secret fiancé, Josh Lucas as the troubleshooting loaner, Jadica Barrett as the sexy woman in need of rescue, Jimmy Bennett as her son, Mia Mastero as the Spanish stowaway, Richard Dreyfuss as the broken hearted gay architect (not sure who came up with this one) and Kevin Dillon as a character so repulsive you’re actually rather relieved he’s killed off five minutes after he’s introduced.

So there you have it; nine people trying to get off an upside down boat in the middle of the north Atlantic in late December, diving through water-filled compartments and not catching hypothermia.

Immediately after the boat tips you start to wonder why you’re supposed to care about these people, but eventually you do. If not for their back story, but because you’ve invested eight bucks and ninety-nine minutes of your life in this movie.

This remake doesn’t have the heart of the original, but fortunately lacks the cheese factor and the why-do-I-care-if-Steve-Gutenberg-survives factor of the NBC’s made-for-TV-version last year.

If you are capable of willing suspension of disbelief you can enjoy the movie, but if you are looking for deep thought-out filmmaking you will be disappointed.

The Da Vinci Code… A flop?

Dan Brown’s Tome, “The Da Vinci Code” is one of the best selling whodunnit’s in recent memory. Some facts on the book’s success include 60.5 million copies in print in 44 languages and any number of weeks on everybody’s best seller list.

Now let me put forth that I have not read the book. But I have consumed some news around the film to be released tomorrow.

1. Columbia/Sony has not released the film to reviewers until Wednesday Night. The company line explaining this rather unusual move for a movie of this magnitude is that they wanted to keep the controversey up. Typically the reason films are not released to the filmviewing press prior to public release is because they fear bad reviews before the release and don’t want to hurt opening weekend ticket sales. As the movie industry has changed in recent years a movie is made or broken in the first weekend. Aperantly even controversey won't overcome bad reviews.

2. Tom Hanks, one of the most beloved actors in Hollywood today is practically nowhere to be found. He has canceled the majority of his interviews promoting this movie because of what he reportedly said, “I don’t want to talk about my religion” (Source: Bill O’Reilly 5/18/2006). Could it be that he doesn’t want to go in front of an audience and apologize for a bad movie?

3. Early reviews are less glowing than the source material would warrant. Given the caliber of talent involved with the movie (no less than 4 well-deserved Oscars between Hanks and Ron Howard) I have heard the movie is “long”, “uninteresting” etc… This would confirm points 1 and 2.

Does the Da Vinci Code bother me as a Christian?

Now, Even though Dan Brown has become a media darling, and millions have read his book, I don’t see many people, not already on the side of persecuting Christianity heading to join that party. Christians who read the book, say it’s a good mystery, but were rather passé about the plot linking Jesus to Mary Magdalene romantically and creating a bloodline that ascended to the royal French throne.

Where as the mainstream media will promote anything that contradicts traditional religious teaching (see the recent excitement around the supposed Gospel of Judas) intellectually honest historians will point out hundreds of errors in Dan Brown’s “evidence.”

The Da Vinci Code does not bother me because truth always wins out over fiction… over time.

Perhaps Tom Hanks did say it best in one of his few interviews in which he stated, “People have been trying to bring down Christianity for thousands of years, and I don’t think the book that’s going to do it is sold at Barns & Noble in the fiction section.”

I really do like your attitude here, Tom. It's just a made-up story about some stuff, some of which actually happened.

The Exit Interview

Today I had my exit interview. This was the first time I have ever gone through such things.

As I've mentioned recently, I've only ever been downsized. So now that it’s my choice to seek employment elsewhere someone from HR brings you into their office and asks you questions about how you rate your boss and the company.

I find it odd that this interview is conducted by someone I have never met before I gave my notice.

Now here's the really ironic part. When I essentially decide that I am better off working someplace else, they finally start asking me questions about how the company can work better. What did I like what can be improved type of stuff.

I've been reviewed every year for 5 years now, and nobody asked me what I thought about the company until I decide to quit. Maybe it's a moot point now but don't you think asking a current employee about the company would benefit that employee and get them to work better?

Or are that many people so fearful of criticizing management that they will only do it when there are no possible consequences?

Stuart Scott, I'm disapointed in you!

Stuart Scott has long been one of my favorite ESPN anchors. As a fine sports comentator he has long anchored SportsCenter and recently his talents have been a part of ABC's broadcast of NBA games.

But you disapoint me Stuart!

Monday Night ABC aired a 2 hour special in which Illusionist, media whore, and animated cult leader, David Blaine would attempt to hold his breath in a water tank for nine minutes.

I didn't watch this "special" because, well as I described above, the whole point of this televised event would be to see if a man can survive holding his breath for nine minutes. Yet when I looked at the TV listings the show was scheduled to air for 2 hours.

And this is why I am disapointed with Stuart Scott!

As I channel Surfed monday Night I saw Mr. Scott, accomplished sportscaster and coiner of the phrase "Boo-ya" doing his best to fill the remaining 111 minutes of ABC's monday night lineup.

Stuart, I'm ashamed that you would stoop so low as to emcee such an event. David Blaine is to sports what Mr. Belvedere is to baseball (Intentional indirect Bob Eucher reference).

If this is what passed for TV on Mondays, I'm begining to think that Disney moving Monday Night Football from ABC to ESPN might have been a bad idea.

One mor thing... I have no idea if David Blaine held his breath for 9 minutes... and to be honest, I don't care!

I love Spam

I love spam. Most people are trying to find a way to filter it, remove it, delete it and never come in contact with it.

Oh, I'm refering to unsolicited email, not the canned meat (which goes great with grilled cheese!).

But spam email can be just as much fun, and without all the cholesterol. for instance, today I took a walk through my spam filter on my hotmail inbox. to which I recieved the following message:

Baton-wielding Israeli police cajoled and dragged dozens of Jewish squatters out of a three-story, Palestinian-owned home Sunday,demonstrating the new government's resolve to confront extremist settlers. Nineteen officers and seven settlers were reported injured during a clash outside as protesters tried to keep police from entering the building in a scene reminiscent of violence during last summer's forced evacuation of all the Jewish settlements in the Gaza Strip.

In another sign of his tough approach, Prime Minister Ehud Olmert told his Cabinet's first session that he will also crack down on wildcat settler outposts in the West Bank that have drawn international criticism.

Hi there :)
Susy sent me your email, she said you were looking to meet someone just like me :)
If you are interested, come meet me on this site it's alot of fun.

(link withheld)

Boy, does Suzy's friend know how to sweet talk a guy or what?

Giving Notice

This week marks a momentous event in my career.

I quit.

On the surface that’s not much of a career move but personally it’s a big event. You see, I’ve never quit before.

Out of college I was let go the day it was announced Gary Cherone left Van Halen (looking back, only one bad thing happened that day)

A year later I was part of the dotcom bubble burst, as I was informed I had no job 5 days before Christmas.

I still hold the right to be bitter about that one.

Here I am nearly 5 and a half years later I get to tell one of the largest corporations in America to take a hike. Well it’s not that bad, I’m still a shareholder so I have to like this place.

Over the past few months I’ve felt less and less comfortable in my position. Knowing that the technology that I’m an expert in isn’t what I’m working on. I have no design input and there is no need for my creative side in my work.

Is it any surprise I jumped on a job that would offer me exactly that?

Since giving my notice on Monday I’ve gotten a lot of “we’ll miss you but we’re happy for you.”

Will I miss this place? Yes and no… some of the bureaucracy, definitely not (the new job has a total of about 25 employees) the people, yes, the stock discount, definitely, getting up extra early to post earnings 4 times a year? No… but the 2 minute drill of web development will fall to someone else.

My last day is 1 week away.

And next Monday I can wear shorts to work.

I need to go shopping!

More Movie Crap

Have you seen the previews for Mel Gibson's "Apocolypto"?

If not Click here.

and if you're looking REALLY close you might see Mel himself !


hey, I'd stop taking movies so seriously too if I got snubbed for my film about Jesus!

1680 days since United 93

Watch this trailer and come back when the emotion settles down a bit.

United 93 trailer

I heard that this movie really makes you hate the terrorists. They're the true badguys in this movie... which is something that hollywood has avoided since 9/11. They've changed some Tom Clancy movies so the terrorists weren't Arabs. On Lost the Muslum is the sincere thoughtful type and the take charge southern guy is the jerk.

Now after hearing a review of this film I want to see it. Kind of like Passion of the Christ you are drawn into a story of which you already know the ending, and you wish it would end differently, but you know it won't.

Now the controversy around this movie comes from people saying "it's too soon" "I don't want to reopen a wound."

Hearing anonymous liberals say things like that doesn't phase me, but when a friend of mine said it I was able to see our differences in thinking. For me 9/11 wasn't a wound that will eventually heal and be as good as ever. 9/11 to me was tantamount to loosing a leg. It would forever change the way I walk, with no means of going back.

I walk a little taller these days.

That brings me to the 2 types of people in America since 9/11. There are those who wish it never happened and don't want to be reminded that it ever did. They don't want us to fight terrorism and say the war is illegitimate. They go on to protest the Patriot Act and say that containment and appeasement is the way to peace.

Then there are those of us who saw the real reality of 9/11. And we're doing everything we can to stop it from ever happening again.

Dustin commented to me, "This type of behavior was forecasted in the early days after 9/11 when nearly everyone, even liberals, were showing patriotism. People said that one day the patriotism would wear off and Americans would start blaming one another."

Hopefully you felt the emotion watching that preview you felt that surge of emotion that had the pinkest of upper west-siders calling for blood after this tragic day. I know I felt it.

Is it too soon for this movie?

I say was Tobey Keith's song too soon?

Was it too soon for Battlestar Galactica to make parallels between 9/11 and the Cylon invasion?

Was it too soon to fight back?

I give credit to producer/writer/director Paul Greengrass (Bloody Sunday, The Bourne Identity) credit for making this movie. Is it too soon? I say it is not soon enough!

Regarding the 2 groups of Americans described above I give one group credit for this fact: 1,680 days without a terrorist event on this country's soil... and counting

"Let's roll!"

-- last known words of Flight 93 passenger Todd Beamer

Silently blogging out loud

nothing like a good blog joke!

In the news..

The Adventures of Andy presents:
In The News

State pans decision to show inmates 'Brokeback Mountain'
Gay cowboy movie to be shown at stat prison.

Well, that's one way to get more people to see this movie. Nobody saw it in the theaters and you don't get a more captive audience than inmates!

Second from the Sun: European Probe Enters Venus Orbit
Europe's Venus Express probe entered orbit around Venus early Tuesday to begin a planned 16-month mission to study a planet.

Why does it not surprise me that a space mission from Europe would go to the planet where all the women are supposedly from?

Air trends 'amplifying' warming
Reduced air pollution and increased water evaporation appear to be adding to man-made global warming.

So Global warming was caused by air pollution... and now it's being caused by clean air... how bout it's a natural phenonomon that is beyond human controll!

I promise better joke next week!

The Passion of Michael Moore

"I'm like Michael Moore, except I'm thin, my jeans are
clean, and God loves me"

-- Ned Flanders The Simpsons

The myth of global warming

This headline makes no sense:
Melting ice threatens sea-level rise

Here's why. Water is one of the only materials that when it freezes, it expands. Thusly, when it melts, it contracts. For instance, if you fill a glass with water and put an ice cube in it then wait for the ice to melt the water level actually goes down.

This is where the environmental movement ceases to hold water (pun intended). Because, as I have stated above, the rise of sea levels cannot be the result of polar melting. Melting icebergs and icecaps (The North Pole being the warmer of the two would be the first to melt which has no land mass under it like the South Pole) would then cause a recession of waters along the coasts.

It is, then, global warming (if it existed) that is keeping the oceans from rising to dangerous levels!

The Adventures of Andy at Whole Foods

I went to Whole Foods last night for grocery shopping.

They didn't have anything I liked, and the stuff I did like, I couldn't afford.

The only things I bought were some plumbs, a package of bacon some spaghetti (none of their sauces had meat) and some all natural che-tos

I had to get out of there because I was afraid that if I spent any more time there I'd start voting democrat!

They had organic beer.. that totally defeats the purpose of beer!

and they had no sliced cheese. My diet is built around sliced cheese! the closest thing they had was some sort of soy substitute.

You know, I live by the philosophy "Live Fast, Die young, and leave a beautiful corpse" without perservatives in all that Whole Food organic crap, how am I supposed to accomplish the 3rd part of my plan!?

I hear the current Kroger I live next door to will become an Aldi after the new Kroger (from what I hear, it will be the biggest in Ohio) is finished on the other side of the sawmill. I won't be able to continue my other philosophy "Only ever buy as much food as you can carry across the street" because aldi is one of these bulk places.

you don't just buy a box of cereal you buy a crate of it!

You don't buy ground beef there by the pound, you buy it by the metric ton!

It takes a forklift operator and three teamsters to load a package of Oreos into your cart!

Death and Taxes

It’s tax time. So this week I gathered up my tax forms, receipts, deductions and every other piece of financial information that would help me avoid that one thing we all dread most: Owing the IRS on April 15.

Now I hope I haven’t got pessimistic, and it’s just the subject matter here, but there’s no way to win when it comes to taxes (except maybe setting up residence in some country with no tax laws… but that sounds like a lot of work). Even if I don’t owe on tax day I also get a sinking feeling when I get a return check from Uncle Sam.

Oh, that reminds me, it wasn’t until only a few weeks ago that I finally realized that Uncle Sam has the same initials as United States. I need to start paying closer attention.

You see, when you get money back from the government it means that you should have had that money all year anyway!

I swear I’m not putting this much mental effort into dying. I don’t dread dying, probably because I can do that without the help of a CPA. Not that I don’t love my CPA. I met her in a bar and she was quite inebriated. Okay that’s probably not the best of credentials, but once she sobered up she did a great job for me last year. And sober she knows how to find a write-off by sense of smell!

But where are we as a society when we’re dreading reconciling our accounts with the government more than reconciling our accounts with the Almighty.

Maybe, I just have an inside track on the later.

I’ll give you a hint, that Jesus guy was right!

myspace.com is pure evil!

So last night I was on myspace.com returning some emails to a friend in Washington state when I saw a bulletin posted with the title "David Hasslehoff"

Having a minor obsession with the former Knight Rider star.. Okay it's not obsessed in a Brokeback Mountain way... I just tend to have dreams about him. Like the time I dreamt that he was an Iraqi spy and he was trying to steal my hotmail password because that's where the US Military Secrets were kept.

Sure I suppose that's technically a dream about Donald Rumsfeld, but he never had a talking car... or Donna D'errico hanging around him. Not that Rummy couldn't get a babe like that. I mean seriously, some guys go out and buy snazzy suits and get expensive haircuts to make up for something they're lacking... I've seen his press conferences, in those drab suits and slicked back hair he's not impressing anyone... at least on the outside!

Where was I? Oh, yes. Myspace.

So I click on this David Hasslehoff bulletin and up pops a video of him singing a cover of "Hooked on a feeling" With the worlds cheapest video production ever.

Why is myspace evil? This morning I still had the song going through my head!


And because Missery loves compay I'm letting you expeerience it first hand!

Andy's Oscars

I'm holding my own Oscars this year. The rules of my awards show:

1. No left-wing pinko commie rants in the acceptance speeches.
2. No gay cowboys!

Also I will be limiting nominees to films I saw this year. All nominees will come from:

• Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith
• Fantastic Four
• Batman Begins
• War of the Worlds
• The 40 Year Old Virgin
• The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe

Here are my winners so far:

Best music:
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe.
It's an classic score with an epic sound. We've heard it before but it's what we've come to expect from our fantasy movies.

Best supporting actor/actress:
Michael Caine (Batman Begins)
The depth he brings to Alfred was some of the best exploration of this character there has ever been.

Best Actress:
Dakota Fanning: War of the Worlds
Yes she's only 12 but she can out act about 3/4 of the people in Hollywood. Her portrayal of a bright girl with an anxiety disorder saved the movie from Tom Cruise's off-screen soap opera.

Best Actor:
Steve Corell: The 40 year old Virgin
This strait man did everything right in making you believe he'd never known the pleasures of a woman. He also made you want to drink Orange Fanta!

Best Director:
George Lucas: Revenge of the Sith
This is really a lifetime achievement award for the father of the Star Wars Franchise. No he's not the best director, or even the best writer but he's brought a lot of innovations to the film industry. This is his last film so let's just wave goodbye to him while the waving's good!




Best Film:
I have 3 nominees :

• The 40 Year Old Virgin - A raunchy comedy with a moral
• Batman Begins - Actually a good movie!
• Chronicles of Narnia - Amazing special effects

(I would have nominated Jessica Alba’s skin-tight uniform in Fantastic Four but there really is no Best Costume category at Andy’s Oscars)

So the winner will be determined in the most fair way possible. A game of Texas Holdem!

No betting, just whoever was first to hold the best hand 3 times wins the. People say that they watch Poker on ESPN2 for the larger-than-life personalities at the table. I say you haven’t played poker until you’ve played with Mr. Tumnus, Batman and a 40 year old virgin!

Round 1:
Mr. Tumnus wins with a pair of pocket 3's
Round 2:
Batman and Tumnus both have two pair of 10's and 8's with Batman's pocket 3 being the next highest card.
Round 3:
Batman wins again with a pair of 6's
Round 4:
The 40 Yeard Virgin takes a strain high Ace
Round 5:
The Virgin wins again wiht a second strait in a row!
Round 6:
in an unprecidented comeback the 40 Year Old Virgin's pair of 6's beat Batman's pocket 3's.

The 40 Year Old Virgin wins the Andy Oscar!

Congrats to Steve Carell taking home 2 Andy's Oscars and all the other nominees!

Guest Rant: Dustin on the Olympics

From time to time I'll post the thoughts from a friend. Today we hear from Dustin about his thougts on an overhyped olympic "athlete."

I haven't watched much of the winter olympics, but I have seen enough media coverage to be absolutely disgusted by one of our athletes, skiier Bode Miller. You have probably heard by now Miller, the highly touted U.S. skiier and likely medal winner, flopped in the Olympics. In four events his results were 5th, 6th, DQ, and DNF, in which he simply quit.

But, it wasn't his performance that I am that at arms about. It is his attitude toward his performance that disgusts me. Most athletes, especially Olympic athletes, base their success on medals. Apparently, Miller does not. Paraphrasing his words, Miller basically said that he thought he performed well and his goal was to prepare to perform in each race and that Olympic success is not contingent upon winning medals. To me, that is unacceptable coming from an athlete who I think won a world championship, and pretty much spits in the faces of all the people who made sacrifices to help him get to where he is today.

The kicker of this whole situation happened Sunday morning, when a commercial of Miller came on in which he was stating this philosophy. At the end of the commerical a Nike Swoosh appeared in the lower right hand corner. Yes, you read correctly, a Nike Swoosh!

Apparently, this is the same company that created a statue for it's first athlete, Steve Prefontaine. Lest we remember, what Pre said? To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. I am sure that Pre, and Bill Bowerman, for that matter, probably rolled over in there graves.

It's this type of attitude by Miller that only encourages growth of a culture of apathy and non-accountability in this country. Thankfully, not all of our athletes are that way.

Movie review: Eight Below

This movie is for the dogs. But that’s not a bad thing! Eight Below is based on the true story of a team of sled dogs left alone in the Antarctic winter due to extreme weather conditions keeping them from joining their human companions on a flight to warmer weather.

Among the human stars of this film are Paul Walker (The Fast and the Furious) and Jason Biggs (American Pie, Saving Silverman)… I have it on good word that no pies were harmed in the filming of this movie.

Aside from Biggs’ performance as the comic relief in a hypochondriac cartographer the human performances aren’t much to speak of. But when your male lead was once out acted by Vin Diesel the movie better have some stronger legs to stand on!
It does, thirty-two to be exact!

As the humans are about to set out exploring a remote mountain for meteorites we are introduced to the eight dogs and given a brief description of their personalities. This is as much verbal description as is needed for our eight real main characters.

Once the evacuation order comes down the movie diverges into two plots: the survival of the dogs; and the quest by the sled driver to rescue them. The latter plot was added exclusively for filler. As you find yourself rather unattached to this skibumb of a character who obviously has never owned a tie.

Meanwhile the dog’s plight for survival is gripping and emotional. Credits to Director Frank Marshall and the animal trainers for not only stellar performances by the animals. The descriptions of each dog become played out and you do find yourself naming the dogs on screen at a given time.

The pack dogs are left to their own devices, so they work together hunting birds, relying on each other for warmth and even fending off predators. This even sets up the one really good jump-out-of-your-seat scare in the movie.

Not all the dogs survive, but that’s worth a few tear jerking moments. Of course as a Disney film everything works out in the end… including a rather pointless romance between our hero and the sexy female pilot (Moon Bloodgood – and if pilots really looked like that I’d have a lot more frequent flyer miles!). The movie is entertaining without being too long. The Human characters were a bit Cliché bit the animals save the movie. I give this a 3.5/5 on the performance of the dogs alone!

Causing trouble on President’s day

Having a beard is a lot of fun. First off you get 3 extra minutes in the morning which I usually put toward sleep or getting out of the car and making sure the front door is locked. You can also claim to have a kinship with famous bearded people like Chuck Norris, Jesus and the bearded woman.

It really is worth the Al Qaeda jokes and superficial accusations.

But today is President’s day and that’s a great opportunity for trouble.

Several years ago I was attending a Cinco de Mayo (note this Mexican holiday has NOTHING to do with Mayonnaise) party at my favorite neighborhood pub. At one point Frenchie showed up wearing a sombrero, poncho, 2 bandoleers of bullets and a fake moustache. His excuse for the getup was “People pretend to be Irish on St. Patrick ’s Day I want to pretend to be Mexican on Cinco de Mayo!”

But today isn’t Cinco de Mayo, nor is it St. Patrick’s day it is President’ day, the conglomeration of Lincoln’s and Washington’s Birthdays (and according to some, all presidents, even William Henry Harrison who was only president for a month).

The idea for this came up when I was talking to Abby and she suggested I get some black poster board (which I have) and make a stovepipe hat. Then reshape my facial hair to look like Lincoln and come to work as our 16th president.

Hey, if everyone can pretend to be Irish on March 17, Mexican on May 5, why can’t I be Linconln on the third Monday of February?

However Sunday’s laziness kept me from accomplishing this, however I may be halfway to a Halloween costume.

How to solve Social Security without raising taxes, cutting benefits or getting into a “risky scheme

The real problem with Social Security over the next thirty years is that there will be more people drawing benefits than are paying into the system. Well that’s the accounting problem; the real problem is congress borrowing money from the Social Security fund for other types of programs and essentially leaving IOU’s in it’s place. But even without such indisgcrissions in borrowing the problem would be that of demographics.

In the beginning (the 1940’s) sixteen people paid into the system for every retiree. Then the Baby boomers came and all was good because there were plenty of warm bodies to get jobs and pay Social Security Tax. Then the Baby Boomers (or are they the Baby Boomers’ Babies) grew up. Got Jobs, got married and had less kids. Now if this were a Catholic blog I could condemn birth control here, but I’ll let you insert your own condom joke here.

Oh I can’t help myself…

why did the condom fly around the room?

Because it got pissed off!

Okay that’s out of my system.

So now that the birth rate has declined there are less people are available to draw taxes from for the impending large body of retiring baby boomers.

My solution:
My solution to the impending social security disaster will have two-fold effect. First, it saves the current system. Second it encourages personal saving so people are not dependant on the government in their golden years.

Ergo, when American citizens reach the retirement age of sixty-five we give them a choice: Retire at their own expense, keep working, or die!

Going back to the root of the problem: more people drawing from a smaller pool; we see that the obvious solution is to limit the number of people drawing from that pool. This way we can save the current system by killing those who would otherwise be leaching off of the system. Those who don’t want to die will save and invest for their own retirement, and most importantly nobody raises my taxes!!!

Eventually the system will correct itself when the demographics of the country allow for less retirees than workers. That, or everybody just takes personal responsibility for their own retirement and there is no need for Social Security. At which we can loose the farce that Social Security funds are somehow separate from the federal budget.

No, I don’t get back any of the money I’ve paid into the system, but the Pentagon has a $5000 toilet!

What I propose is not a novel idea. Ever seen Logan’s Run? I haven’t, but I hear it’s about euthanasia at the age of 30. I think there was a Star Trek episode on the subject as well, but Star Trek was pretty famous for ripping off everybody else’s ideas (exotic green women were obviously copied from the “Jolly Green Giant”).

In the end it will take creative thinking to solve this dire problem, and dire it is.

I’d also like to point out that sometimes thinking outside the box is a complete waste of time.

And that’s what I’ve done here!

The Sweetest thing

What a title for Valentines Day, however this has nothing to do with my love life. However for some of you I’m sure you’ll find this a topic to fall in love with, for others, well just deal with it! This is my blog, damnit!

Just a quick aside, Microsoft Word does not recognize the word “damnit” It wants me to replace it with the suggestions: dam nit, admit, demit, dimwit or DeMint.

[insert dimwit joke here]

Back to the task at hand.

Sometime around the first of the year I changed my daily routine here at work. When I make my morning coffee, oh for all you Starbucks addicts out there I only ever drink the free stuff here at work. Why? Because I’d rather put money toward my mortgage than a $6 cup of coffee! Think about it you can get a six-pack of Miller Lite for that price! I’m not saying that one vice is better than the other, I’m just saying that if you’re going to pick a substance that helps you get through the day, run the numbers!

Did I get sidetracked again? Sorry. That’s the danger of stream-of-consciousness writing.

For the past couple months I’ve been making my coffee with Spelnda rather than using sugar in my coffee. According to Splenda.com Splenda is 600 time sweeter than sugar.

First off how do they determine that. Did someone eat one tablespoon of Splenda then just shovel in spoonfuls of sugar until something was as sweet as that first spoonful? After 600 spoons of sugar I think I’d just barf.

So today I went back to sugar… The Splenda container was almost out and sugar was easier to reach. Now I don’t know about 600 times sweeter but I always used less Splenda than Sugar in my coffee, and today that I’ve used sugar, I notice that this coffee tastes like... well, coffee!

Using Splenda did make my coffee more palatable, or at least sweeter, and I think that’s why I was finally able to make it to the bottom of the cup. Until the invention of this artificial sweetener I rarely made it past half way through my SDF-1 mug, but recently I’ve been drinking damn near to the bottom!

Now I’m sitting here trying to come up with the moral to this story and I’m beginning to think that this is the kind of story that doesn’t have a moral (Unlike stories that begin “So me and Dick Cheney were out hunting one day…”). I guess I’m just saying that Splenda really is sweeter than sugar, and when you can’t taste your coffee you drink more of it.

Being a badass is all relative.

I was thinking about what it means to be a badass lately. Does it have to do with your street creds? Are you really only a badass if you’ve held up a liquor store?

I say it’s all relative. You can be as bad as anyone else, in your respective field. Take Troy Polamalu of the Pittsburgh Steelers. An absolute badass as a strong safety, but I’m not about to let him do my taxes! I have my own badass accountant for that.

You can be the baddest street thug in the baddest part of town with the baddest rap, but unless you can turn 20% sales growth into a substantial stock price increase you're just a weenie in baggy pants in the board room.

Even I can be a badass...

Take Jury duty for instance, I'm an educated white guy who votes republican. I'm a Defense Attorney’s worst nightmare!

Yeah Mr. Lawyer what are you going to do about it?

Oh you say I should go home?

Okay, have a nice day!

Friday the 13th

Why is Friday the 13th considered unlucky?

Howstuffworks.com suggests there is no logical reason for this superstition but gives a lot of historical anecdotes about foul fortune on Fridays and surrounding the number thirteen. Basically, it’s a superstition.

Until it happened to me!

Friday was a pretty uneventful itself during the day. Asside from a little being a bit tired from staying up for some reason to watch an old episode of South Park that started at midnight on Friday (cue “Psycho” music), I was there to face the day.

There were good things that happened on Friday. Michael brought in doughnuts for the team, and Jason emailed me reminding me that we had talked about beer and dinner this week. So that was good too!

However I guess between the doughnuts, the nachos and SkyLine Chilly that I had for lunch the fat content in my diet wasn’t all that great.

But those are just details, not the real part of this story.

As I was driving over to New Albany to spend the evening with Jason and Kelly, I found myself not paying attention and got in the wrong lane off the freeway. I figured I’d just follow this road around and catch up with where I’m supposed to be going. No big deal… but one wrong turn, turned into another and I’m sure I missed my road several times.

That’s when I tried to pull into a driveway and turn back around. It was dark, rainy, and the way the headlights reflected off the grass, it was hard to tell where the lawn began and the gravel driveway ended, so I ended up overshooting the driveway. Normally this isn’t more of a foul than leaving some tire marks in a stranger’s lawn. However tonight was Friday the 13th so nothing is going to be simple here.

Cl-cunk!

I’m stuck on something. I try reverse.

Cl-cunk!

The car won’t budge.

So I do the natural thing, I give it more gas in both directions.

Cl-cunk! Cl-cunk!
I’m not going anywhere.

I get out and look under the car, not having a flashlight; I feel around and find some metal obstacle stuck under the front end of the car. I call Jason and tell him I’m not sure where I am but the last road I was on was Central College.

He finds me and in the mean time I had the idea that maybe I can jack up the car enough to get the front end over he obstacle and push it out of harm’s way.

Did I mention it was raining? So the ground was soggy, and the front tires are in the grass. This particular street happens to have a rather wide shoulder for a two-lane road. So my jack is sitting in the mushy grass and doesn’t do much for raising the car. When Jason gets there his headlights provide insight into a SECOND OBSTICLE. This one isn’t just caught on the front end, it’s wedged in the frame of frame of the… okay I’m not a car guy, but it was wedged into something on my car.

So we call a tow truck… well he calls for a tow truck, because his insurance company will answer the phone at 9:00 on a Friday night.

After a quick jaunt over to the gas station for his car to get some fuel we’re back at my immobile automobile and the tow truck arrives about twenty minutes later.

At this point the owner of the house I’m parked in front of comes out and explains that we can’t drive the wrecker through his yard, I think he was looking for an altercation so I did my best to explain that we won’t do anything to his lawn and that everything will take place on the other side of the driveway.

He goes back in the house slightly calmer for not having to enter an argument.

We explain the situation to the tow truck guy. Who looks at the obstacle closest to the wheel. This is the strangest stuck car he’s ever seen.

Well about 35 minutes and $58 later I’m free.

I walk back up to the house and apologize for a small mark in his yard, I give the man of the house my business card to which he says “Your card’s not worth anything to me.” I told him, that it has my phone number on it if he needs to get a hold of me. And then I offered to bring him some topsoil to repair the damage.

Again I think he was geared up for an argument but I wasn’t going to give it to him.

Jason has some extra topsoil and gives it to me so I leave and go home.

The next day I made good on my promise and dropped off 2 bags of topsoil on his front porch but didn’t disturb him. Basically I think he expected me to do some yard work and re-seed the lawn. But on a 29 degree day in mid January It’s pretty pointless with more winter to come.

At least he’s ready for spring.

I think I used up all the bad luck on Friday, because the Steelers really pulled one out on Sunday!

Review of Broke Back Mountain… Bare Back Mountain… Backdoor Mountain

I forget the title, I didn’t see it.

But Becky did (congrats, you made the blog) and I will write my review off of her analysis.

Becky said that the movie has some really hot guys but had a really sad story.

This synopsis combined with the previous knowledge that the two “hot guys” engage in acts expressly stated as “no-no’s” in the Bible, I was able to draw the true motive behind this film.

It’s softcore porn for women!

Think about it, Anytime you’ve turned Cinemax on after midnight there’s 2 women sharing a jail cell, wearing some rather reveling prison uniforms and eventually they do things also considered no-no’s by the Bible. This is also the sole reason most men subscribe to Cinemax.

Guys like inmates, girls like cowboys; it’s the natural order of things. Girls also like Lifetime which is nothing but sad stories. Remember those old Reese's cups commercials “You got peanut butter in my chocolate… you got chocolate in my peanut butter!”

Welcome to the 21st Century: “You got gay cowboys in my depressing story… You got depressing story all over my gay cowboys!”

Now I can just imagine the pitch meeting with the studio executives for this movie.

“Larry, I want to pitch you this movie about cowboys… but instead of riding horses and women, they ride each other!”

“Walter, That’s great! The gay thing totally pisses on the values of middle America, which should reverse our declining ticket sales! Wanna make out?”

Congratulations, Hollywood, you’ve gotten it wrong again with Bend Over Mountain. But then again, that’s hardly news.

Coach Andy Fixes the NFL

Several NFL teams have said goodbye to their coaches this week. The list includes Capers out in Texas (this was expected when Jimmy Johnson publicly turned the job down on TV), Haslett out in New Orleans/San Antonio. Martz gone from St. Louis, Sherman out in Green Bay, Tice gone from the Twin cities, and this on top of Vermeil retiring from KC. By Tuesday the Raiders added coach Norv Turner to the list.

With now seven coaching positions open in the NFL It’s time I got my resume together and applied for some jobs.

Andy’s first day as coach of the Minnesota Vikings
I would stand in front of the whole team and ask, “Who likes hookers? Okay everyone with your hand up in the air, you’re cut! Now, who likes to win? Why aren't you people raising your hands!!!”

Andy’s first day as coach of the Green Bay Packers
“Favre, I'm trading you to Baltimore for their entire Offensive line!”

Andy’s first day as coach of the Houston Texans
“Davis, Carr, I'm trading you two for linemen, drafting Reggie bush and picking up Harrington as a free agent and changing the team name to the Oilers.”

Of course not every team can be fixed by just trading all the good players for linemen.

Andy’s first day as head coach of the Detroit Lions
Hello team, I'd like to introduce you to the president of the club, Matt Millen . Now KICK HIS ASS!!!

The true meaning of X-Mas

Dear friends.

I would like first to say Merry Christmas and what a wonderful time of year it is.

I'm sure by now you know the meaning of Christmas, (if you don't please pick up a copy of Merry Christmas Charlie Brown). But what of the meaning of X-Mas?

X-mas, commonly refered to as crossing Christ out of Christmas, isn't really that at all. You see the English "X" character is actualy the 3rd letter of the Greek alphabet Chi.

Chi is the first leter of the greek word "Christo" translated Christ.

Thus even though some of your secular friends may be using a shorthand and not acutually writing out the whole word "Christmas" Christ is still in that word.

And that is the true meaning of the word X-Mas

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe

I’ve been looking forward to this movie since I saw the first preview during the first midnight showing of Revenge of the Sith.

So promptly after finishing I am Charlotte Simmons, I picked up a boxed set of “The Chronicles of Narnia” in hopes of reading the book before seeing the movie. Mission accomplished as I finished the book about an hour before the first midnight showing.

The movie starts out with a rather graphic sequence of the carpet-bombing of London by during Nazis in World War II. Now for those of you not expecting any Saving Private Ryan type scenes here, fear not, this does move the plot along.

A great deal of the action in this film was a screenwriter’s embellishment of the C.S. Lewis’s original story unlike “The Lord Of The Rings” series of movies which were more or less direct translations of Tolkin’s novels.

The new sequences made directly for the film are done with a great deal of care and love for the C.S. Lewis’s intent in his writing. However modern filmmaking practices were implemented with the same care.

The “Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe” is the most famous of the seven books that make up “The Chornicles of Narnia”. It is the story of four children: Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy; who discover the gateway to a magical world in the back of an oak chest in the spare room of an old professor’s house.

Once they enter Narnia they are treated not as simple strangers in a foreign land, but sought as royalty after by the residents thereof. Quickly they find that they are the pivotal players in power struggle by the white which and Aslan (So now we have a Lion and a Witch to go with our Wardrobe! I love it when things come together nicely).

Providing the conflict is the evil witch. And that’s about her character, pure evil. She lies to Edmund to trick him into betraying his siblings, so she may maintain power. It is his redemption provided by Aslan that turns him and allows Edmund the chance to single handedly turn the tide of the battle himself.

This is the root of the Christian symbolism that was the basic intent of C.S. Lewis’s work. Aslan’s self-sacrifice even visually is reminiscent of “The Passion of the Christ” which fits since that is exactly the metaphor the book sought to make.

The big battle scene was more or less glossed over in the book, but is filmed quite like the war for Middle Earth in the recent Lord of the Rings films. I would also call this feat of cinema quite sterilized when compared to its older brother. The audience for this movie is younger than it’s older brother’s so Disney took the effort to create an epic battle without showing any blood. Nonetheless the action doe keep you gripped.

Overall the movie makes it’s point and is as good a film as it could have been given the brevity of the source material. The screenwriting was done well enough to provide more believable dialogue than in Lord of the Rings, though fans of the book will find the additional scenes added in to the movie a bit tedious.

This movie is perfect for anyone who has read the book, Families, and children not quite old enough for Lord of the Rings. Disney did well in staying true to the book and Liam Neeson’s voice talents were perfectly cast as Aslan.

The Adventures of Andy in Los Angeles

Part I: Don’t believe the hype, getting there is NOT half the fun

Not sure exactly when the day started, I suppose you could say that at about 3:20 when Orbitz.com’s courtesy call (FYI, I use the term “courtesy” loosely anytime before 8 AM) woke me up, and for some reason I thought it was my friend MEMO calling me. At this point the automatic lady on the other end was telling me that my 6:20 flight was on time a. I swear even an automated female can be a tease!

My alarm goes off at 4 AM promptly. My clothes for the day already laid out and in place, I jump toward the shower, do my morning ritual and pack the last of my things, which is simply a toothbrush and comb. Load up the car and it’s off to the airport. Now the TSA warns you that getting to the airport Two hours early is the proper timing. Columbus International at 5:00 am is not that busy. I think I could have gotten there by 5:30 an still made this flight… if it took off.

But by 5 I am already through security and surfing the web on the free wireless access in the airport and waiting for my flight. Oddly by 6 they had not started boarding. By 6:30 they explained that there was a problem with the de-icing mechanism and they would try again in another 30 minutes.

After an Hour of delay I approach the ticket counter and ask about my connecting flight in Houston. They said that they had me on a later flight out of Houston and I would be getting to LA about an hour later.

But the next test of the Houston bound aircraft was not successful. They call everyone with connecting flights to the ticket counter to re-ticket us for other flights. Now My 6:20 flight has become a 11:55 flight. To compensate me I got a coupon for another flight and a couple food vouchers.

Did I ever tell you I’m not a morning person.

Again, back to the free wireless internet and I spend some time doing my monthly budget for the rest of the year and then call my friends in and headed toward California.

Finally at 11:30 my flight for Houston boards. But it’s a small shuttle plane and we have to walk out on the tarmac to get to the vehicle. It’s cold and windy and I was sure that had I waited long enough I could have just been blown to Houston. At least I had 2 seats to myself, which provided me with a little napping space.

Houston wasn’t so bad, the skies were partly cloudy but it was definitely warmer. I’ve got about an hour to get across the airport so I take the monorail to my terminal and head to my gate. I get there just as boarding is about to commence and decline to purchase a souvenir shot glass as is my custom anytime I fly.

Once onboard I notice an odor, or was it a stench. It was foul whatever it was. Something like standing between the rows of port-a-johns at the state fair.

Unfortunately I thought it was just the sutartess standing next to me at the time but as I approached the back of the plane where my seat was it got worse. It was so bad that the Captain came back to ask if we could live with us.

“If it means getting there sooner we’ll live with it,” a man seated behind me said.

Sounds like somebody else had a delay today too.

Over the plane’s PA the captain announces that there is a plumbing problem in the rear lavatory. Speaking of which, why don’t they just call the bathroom what it is, a rest room? Or a toilet, or… well what’s with the fancy word they had to make up? Can’t you have a “crapper” on a vehicle that cost half a billion to build?

So the maintenance people come on to take a look and nothing gets done.

With apologies we take off another 30 minutes late. And how embarrassing it is for me to tell my friends why I’ll be late this time.

4:30 PST I finally land in LA. I’m going on 17 hours of being awake now, and I’m not happy.

I get my bags and my friends come to pick me up.

Welcome to LA!

Part II: A night in

Apparently the people who got to the golden state on time had a good time going out to lunch and doing whatever it was they were doing while I was smelling poop left over from the San Juan to Houston flight.

We stayed in and watched Anime (Golden Boy, Elfin Laid), and Dave Chapelle. My stomach was not right from missing meals all day so I turned down an In N’ Out Burger and fries. However my good humor was coming back as we all started giving our own DVD commentary on these strange but amusing Anime shows.

Around 2 am we turn in. I swear I must have power slept because I was rather awake the next day, and didn’t remember dreaming when I woke up.

Part III: The breakfast of champions

Opening ones house to another human being is one of the most hospitable things one can do for their fellow man. I am ever so grateful when someone does this for me. Therefore on Saturday morning I volunteered to cook breakfast. If you’ve never had my breakfast, I serve what is commonly known as an “Andy Sandwich.” Yes I am quite the renaissance man, well traveled, articulate, technical, and I can cook! How do I stay single?

The Andy Sandwich is a toasted bagel served with eggs (I had to do them scrambled this time because I had too many customers and not enough skillet space for fried eggs) American cheese and 3 strips of bacon. Now you might think I’ve stolen a recipe from Ronald McDonald. Well I did, but not for the Egg McMuffin. You see several years ago there was a sandwich called the McJordan Deluxe which was a burger promoted by his greatness Michael Jordan. What I found very interesting about this burger was that it was topped with steak sauce. And that is the final ingredient in the Andy Sandwich.

Four more satisfied customers!

Part IV: Goin’ to East LA

The best part of seeing another part of the country with people who live there is you get to experience it for what it really is. So in preparation for this afternoon’s party, MEMO needed to pick up the carne asada. So Hibi, Marshall and I go along for the ride.

Much like this blog MEMO can be easily distracted and drawn toward another topic. So we end up in a Mexican neighborhood in East LA for the purpose of genuine Mexican food: Tacos and Beer! Now you could get tacos and beer just about anyplace but this particular joint had a live mariachi band!

Photo coming soon!

Already running late we head to the Mexican grocery. The biggest difference between this grocery store and the ones in Ohio are that they cook the tortillas fresh at the bakery. They were still warm in the package when we bought them.

Seasoning, and a ton of beer later we’ve checked out and are on our way back to Santa Monica for the party.

Part V: Santa Monica House party

It may speak poorly to the potency of the punch that I was at a house party and can articulate everything I remember. Fear not, what you are about to read did happen, or at least probably happened. Some other stuff may have happened too but if called to testify in front of the Supreme Court this is all I have to say.

We arrived back at Jason’s house and I’m the first one into the living room. Under one arm, a case of beer and in my other hand the only evidence of why we were late (see the above photo at the Mexican restaurant), but nobody saw the evidence because as soon as I walked in Vivian’s eyes light up and she comes to greet me with a hug.

“I had no idea you were going to be here!”

Well of course not, I didn’t let anyone know for this very reason! Yeah, I like to make an entrance.

As I make my way through a crowd watching USC v. UCLA Cher hands me a glass of her now world famous punch (Cher, I need the recipe!). One sip and I declared, “This is potent!”

As I make my rounds, hugging girls, shaking hands with guys and vaguely aware there was a football game on (Much like the UCLA defense). On the back porch I open a beer and offer a toast.

“This toast is to all of you! As you know I was AWOL for a while earlier this year and though I neglected many of you this is a thank you to everyone here who accepted me back. Thank you.”

A bottle of Sake from Japan is opened, Midori, more beer… What, we’re out of punch? Oh good, Cher’s making more!

I could go into detail about a cute blonde girl form Indiana, but I think I’ll refrain until those incriminating photos show up online somewhere.

Kevin and I relive the story about the Princess House girls once again to the people who weren’t there when it happened. An hour later Steve is telling the story to Jason. I told you it was a legend!

More guests show up, including Tommy Yune who gives us a private preview of the new Robotech movie, and Greg Sigoff one of the voice actors.

I feel like I’m an insider now!

Marshall passed out around 1 AM and woke up wearing lipstick. Where are those incriminating photos when you need them?

I think we finally got to bed around 3.

I love LA!

Part VI: LA Sci-Fi and Comic Convention

Not much happened here. Marshall was pretty hung over the whole day and everyone else was pretty tired from the day before. The only thing I bought on the convention floor was a pack of Lost trading cards. I did get a photo of Billy Zane an that blonde babe from Terminator 3. I think they’re in a vampire movie together.

We stuck around for the Robotech panel where the voice actors from the new movie were answering questions and signing autographs. Tom had the great idea of having each of them read a passage of “The Night before Christmas” in the voices that they perform on screen. What a riot!

Between cell phone updates of the Steeler game (curses to the Bengals!), I got a series of autographs and several photos with new Robotech Hottie Chase Masterson! I’ll let those photos speak for themselves!

We’ll get to part VII in about an hour when you’re done drooling.

Part VII: Konichawa Bitches!

Those of us from the Midwest desired seafood for dinner and we ended up at a Sushi restaurant. Being rather uneducated in how to order raw fish I allowed Marshall to order and I ate at his discretion. Wow I swear that stuff cleansed me from the inside. I was like anew man the next day.

But during dinner there was a sake toast. To frinds? To good times? All good toasts, but what fit was something we had watched on the Dave Chapelle DVD on Friday.

“Konichawa Bitches”

And that summed it up!

I bet you never thought this Midwest boy would love sushi?

Part VIII: Getting home is also not half the fun, but at least it’s easier than getting there.

Monday morning already? You mean I have to start thinking about going home? Yuck! Is there enough time to look into setting up residence here in… oh right, real estate bubble!

But at sunny and 70, it’s hard to start thinking about the snow 20-degree weather I’ll be to which I’ll be returning.

Marshall and I mill about the house, make a little breakfast, shower, see off the other guys and girl before MEMO comes to pick us up.

Once again I get a courtesy call from Orbitz. You may want to sit down for this. Are you sitting? Okay, now remember I warned you.

My flight was delayed!

ARRRGH!

I look up online what’s up and the inbound aircraft was delayed. MEMO arrives with his wife and takes us to LAX. Hugs, goodbyes all around.

I approach the ticket counter and ask about the delay. The nice lady tells me that I have been rebooked on another carrier, but now going through Detroit. The flight takes off sooner but I have to walk all the way across LAX. This also means I don’t get a Houston shot glass.

LAX is a big airport and carrying my luggage, a leather jacket and my laptop was a bit difficult to take across the airport. But I get to the new terminal and get my bag checked. I’m almost there. All I have to do is get through security.

This is where I learn Murphy’s Law. Going through the metal detector I am asked to have a seat. I’m being randomly pulled for further screening.

Now, maybe I was loosing my red-stateness being in a Blue state for a few days but I’m a red blooded Midwest American boy. And yet the airline wanted to make sure I’m not a terrorist. Perhaps I should sell t-shirts outside of airports that read “I VOTE REPUBLICAN”

Then again, if you wear one of these shirts on a flight to Boston you may get strip-searched!

I do everything the man says and pick up my luggage and head to a souvenir stand for a Los Angeles shot glass. In the gift shop Marshall calls me and we’re actually only one gate apart. After my purchase we meet up and that’s the final goodbye of the day for me.

As soon as Marshall boards his flight I’m called for mine and despite seated by a grandmother headed back to Michigan from New Zeland and a Chinese lady who slept the whole time this was a rather uneventful flight.

In Detroit I land, call all my friends who are Michigan fans to let them know I’m visiting their favorite state. Nobody’s too excited for me. So I find my gate and have a turkey and bacon wrap at a sports bar.

I considered buying a souvenir shot glass here but decide that I’m better off not purchasing anything with the word “Michigan” on it. Now I feel dirty for using the name of that state up north.

My final leg home is only a thirty-three minute puddle jump south. I land at pretty much exactly when I originally expected to.

It’s cold. About sixteen degrees and there’s a layer of ice on my car.

I miss LA Already.

But at least I’m back in a red state.
Who am I kidding, I miss LA!

The Legend of Kevin, the Princess House girls and Andy the Wingman

This adventure is more than an adventure; it is now a legend in Southern California. The story has been passed down for the past two years and is in some circles regarded simply as myth. I am here to tell you that the story is true.

In July of 2004 I was in Anaheim, California visiting friends who had gathered for Anime Expo. As the day’s festivities were winding down, our party found themselves at the bar of the Hilton.

But that’s not where this story begins. As the legend has been passed on to me from Kevin, who really is the central focus of this story.

As we, the anime fans, were enjoying our time at our convention, the Princess House girls were also having their convention in other parts of the same hotel. Princess House, is kind of like Avon and Pampered Chef combined. It has something to do with selling house wares to housewives from housewives. Why these people can’t just go to Target like the rest of us I don’t know?

Now you have a little background let’s delve into the psychology of the situation. You first have the Anme fans. Currently on the fringe of pop culture but connected, mobile and young. Fortunately many of these people were too young for the hotel bar, so that leave the adults and the princess house girls here tonight.

The Princess house girls are a bunch of women, mostly homemakers, who are under the impression that selling items for a large company is on a par with running your own business. Congratulations, you’re in sales. But this sales job has a perk, a convention in July in Southern California. Now think about this, you have a hotel full of women away from their husbands, children and easy access to much alcohol. This is where Kevin comes in.

Kevin really is a great guy… could use a pair of dark socks, but otherwise a pleasure to be around. At some point during this weekend he meets a princess house girl. From his recollection, she makes the first move and approaches him. Oh, Kevin is the type of guy who subscribes to the philosophy “The older the berry the sweeter the wine.” He really likes soccer moms too! Unfortunately for Kevin he had to be somewhere before he could get to know this object of his affection.

Back to the bar. Really, I’m going somewhere with all this. As we have congregated at the hotel bar and everybody is happy, drinking and enjoying the company of each other, Kevin shows up and almost ignores us because who should he see, but the jewel of his eye… well for tonight at least. Kevin leaves us, walks over to her table and buys this woman… oh I don’t know her name, but let’s call her “Beth” (I’d say that the names have been changed to protect the guilty, but I really do forget the women’s names, and therefore don’t know if I’m changing them, or just recalling buried memories).

Meanwhile I’m goofing off with all my friends at the bar and somebody notices that Kevin has not one, but two of the Princess House girls over there.

“Man, somebody should go over there and help him out”

“Andy, go over there and talk to the other girl!”

“Why me?… fine, here, hold my camera”

And a legend is born!

I de-nerdify quickly, and use button up my over shirt so as to look less like a sci-fi nerd and more like a guy just chilling in So.Cal.

Casually I walk over, “Kevin, how you doing?” I say while holding out my hand.

Kevin shakes my hand but gets a look of nervousness not knowing what I’m up to. “Hi, Andy, um… you don’t need to be here right now.”

I give him a nod and a wink and sit in the chair next to the other woman. Let’s call her “Michelle”

And as Steve tells it when he passes on the legend it, “From a cold start Andy goes over there and just starts talking to this girl.”

Now a little background. I typically fly solo. No wingman; and it’s very difficult to break into a conversation of 3-5 females. Therefore when there is one, and Kevin is already working his mojo with her friend, I am free to do my thing.

So we continue the small talk routine for a while and the bar closes. Fortunately there’s an after-party on the pool level with the Princess House girls. Kevin and I get invited to join.

This totally changes the dynamics of the situation. Now, instead of just one girl I’ve got an audience of about 15 people, not just women. Now the men were probably gay. Let’s face it in a business marketed towards single women they’re more likely to have gay salespeople. Why? Well these homemakers are probably already married and know better than to trust a strait man!

But the most important detail that came of our migration to the pool area was that now Kevin and Beth are seated several yards away at a secluded little table by themselves. But I decide to stick around a little longer. I’ve got an audience, and a table full of liquor, so I start playing the role of bartender and dirty joke teller… Ask me about the couple flying to Dallas sometime.

I entertain, I get people drunk and I’ve got Kevin alone with some chick he just met this week.

After the party gets going pretty well I sneak out and into the shadows. My work here is done.

So I head up to the girls’ hotel room to get my camera and give them the skinny on what all went down to this point. I was congratulated on my efforts and being a real guy tonight.

You see I left for a few reasons. First off I thought there was a girl from my convention I had a chance with and didn’t want to trade a bird in the hand for two in the bush… turns out I was empty-handed all along. Secondly she was married or separated or something and I had some amount of moral objection to following through with this.

The next morning Kevin is harassed for his exploits (not that he would ever incriminate himself with the details of whatever else went on, but I invite you to use your imagination and feel free to include any farm animals, circus freaks, or road high-rise construction equipment in your fantasy).

Now you’re probably saying, legend? What legend? Yeah impressive somewhat that you can cold start a conversation with a strange woman; a nice thin to do for your friend, but not quite legendary.

But there is a final part to this story. One which I will probably not be done justice in writing as the oral tradition demands. But I will do it anyway.

Kevin tells the story the next morning at breakfast. After I had left, an unknown amount of time had passed and Michelle comes over to Kevin and Beth’s table.

“Where did Andy go?”

And that is the legend of Kevin, the Princess House girls and Andy the wingman.

The Adventures of Andy in Northern Illonis

Why is Andy in northern Illinois? Well my company sent me here for 2 days to learn the software I will soon be supporting?

But, Andy, isn't Chicago in Northern Illinois? Shouldn't you be out crashing police cars like in "The Blues Brothers?" Actually I'm about 25 miles north of Chicago. Where there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO!!!

Seriously, I went to a bar for dinner, and it looks like Kerokie is the big entertainment tonight. Given the last time I was at a kerokie bar, it's been almost six years now, I did't stick around. You see that last time I didn't know it was a kerokie bar. And it wasn't just a kerokie bar, it was a bad kerokie bar. And it wasn't just a bad kerokie bar, it was a bad COUNTRY kerokie bar. And it was't just a bad country kerokie bar it was a bad OLD country kerokie bar.

But by the time I realized this I had made eye contact with the bartender and felt bad waking out so I sat down and had a beer... or four.

Long story short, I end up talking to this very pretty blonde, and the middle aged women 3 seats down interrupts us to tell her "If you ever have the chance to make love to a fifty-year-old man do it! It'll be the best sex you've ever had!" This did not help the then twenty-two-year-old me in any way (22 years to go and counting).

But that's an adventure for another time.

So today I got up at 5:30 to make a 7:50 flight. That was the easy part. However construction all over O'Hare airport kept me from finding the Hertz rental office. After 30 minutes of wandering around I got on a bus marked "Hertz" and ended up with a cute little Mazda 6. Zoom Zoom Zoom! Lots of pickup, but I was little bummed when the car didn’t have satellite radio like the display in their office said.

So far that's been the best part of this trip. The car also helped me when I got lost twice on my way to the office. Somehow in the little sports sedan it was more bearable.

So by 10:30 Cenral I'm where I need to be. I sit in a couple cubicles and learn this software yadda... yadda... yadda....

Back to the hotel for a long overdue nap, change of clothes and dinner. I found a little bar and grille for dinner. Since I'm expensing everything I had the lobster and Steak dinner. Too much food but it's so flipping cold here I need to put on an extra layer of fat. I might have been more inclined to stay at the bar for a while, make some friends near the Wisconsin border but we've been over my opinions on kerokie already.

Why couldn't my company have an office somewhere more interesting, or at least somewhere warmer!?

So that last beer is going to make it just a little too hard to focus on "The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe" so I think I'll just watch a little John Stewart and head to bed...

Part 2 tomorrow... or whenever I get around to it.

In The News

The Adventures of Andy Presents:

In The News

Paris Hilton in Car Accident
Paris Hilton was in a car accident on Wednesday. Don’t worry the heiress was not injured. Fortunately, in the nick of time, her airhead deployed!

---

Narnia Advertising Picks up
Advertising for the upcoming movie “The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe” has gone into full swing. But have you noticed that the commercials only show the Lion? I think it’s because the Lion has a better agent. The Witch and the Wardrobe are both represented by Drew Rosenhaus who is having them hold out for more money.

---

sorry for the short blog this week... the days are shorter and my attention span is waingng

What Ever Happened to Mr. Sippi?

There's a Missis Sippi, what ever happened to Mister Sippi?

I think Louisiana had something to do with it. You know her reputation, especially around New Orleans. What if he took a dip in Lake Pontchartrain. Then Mrs. Sippi finds out and before you know about it she's talking to Texas.

Texas offers Mrs. Sippi a gun because even though he's got a thing going on with Oklahoma, but everybody knows it's just sham.

So one night Mr. Sippi is put out of the way. And of course nobody says a thing. Especially not Tennessee. Sure he knows but he's not going to say anything. Especially not to Kentucky who would do the same to him if she ever had the chance, that backstabbing bitch!

Building a better prequel: Episode II

Continuing on my series of re-writing the Star Wars saga brings us to episode II. The clone wars have begun, THe Jedi council believes that Count Dooku and Darth Maul are working together, not realizing they are one in the same and the greater threat comes from the chancelor's chamber.

Star Wars Episode II:The Clone Wars

Opening crawl:

WAR! Throughout the galaxy the clone wars rage on. Believing that Senator Palpatine has made great efforts to save the republic the senate has elected him Chancellor and granted him special powers in this time of war.

Padme Amadala has filled the senate seat vacated by Palpatine. Meanwhile the Jedi lead clone armies around the galaxy trying to defend the Republic from separatist attacks.

The war effort is not going well.

Senator Padme’s diplomatic ship is escorted to Coroscant by a squadron of clone fighters. She is greeted at the senate building by Chancellor Palpatine who regrets to hear that her inauguration ceremonies on Naboo had to be cut short due to an assignation attempt.

Padme reassures the chancellor that no assassin will stop her from serving the Republic. No sooner are their words exchanged when blaster shots break out . A firefight ensues with clone troops giving chase into the streets. Chancellor palpatine pledges to assign a Jedi security guard to her.

On a remote planet Obi-Wan and Anakin are in the final stages of a battle. The leandspeeder chase with Durge is almost over and once he is defeated the clone troops retake the planet for the Republic.

Anakin: This battle was meaningless. We should be involved on the front lines.
Obi-wan: Patience young one. Every battle has its purpose.

Mace Windu asks for Obi-Wan’s report and calls him back to Coroscant.

Upon their return home Obi-Wan and Anakin arrive at Padme’s quarters and Anakin is love struck. Innocent complements from Padme are taken very seriously by the padawan and his determination to stop the assassin grows. That night the assassin returns to try again. This time with the poison slugs. Anakin and Obi-wan chase Zam Wesell and Once she is captured by local clone police a member of her gang blasts the officers killing Zam.

With local authorities searching for the assassin gang Palpatine orders Padme to seek refuge until Courscant is safe again. He assures her that in her absence he will personally see that the interests of Naboo are guarded in the Senate. He asks Anakin to escort and protect the senator.

The Jedi council aggress to their request and give Anakin the rank of Jedi Knight at the request of Obi-wan despite his previous acts of insubordination and impatience. Obi-Wan convinces the council to trust Anakin.

Anakin is knighted and his braid is removed and his pony tail is let to flow free.

Before leaving, Padme points out that Kamino has had little participation in the Senate despite providing the republic’s military forces. Mace asks Obi-wan to travel to Kamino to find out more about these mysterious new members of the Republic.

Obi-wan learns that the clones were ordered by Master Sypho-Dias several years before the Clone Wars started. He also meets the clone original: Jango Fett whom he recognizes as part of Zam Wesell’s gang. Obi-wan reports back to Yoda then follows Fett.

Padme and Anakin travel together on a starship trying to avoid conflict. They have long intimate conversations and Anakin tells of his dreams about his mother and that he misses Tatooine. Padme sets course for the desert planet that the war has avoided. There they track down Shimi Skywaker but she ahs been taken captive by the Sand People. Anakin hunts them and kills the sandpeople.

Qui-Gon: Anakin NO!

Anakin returns to the Larz home and mourns his mother. Owen overhears him tell padme about killing a tribe of sandpeople and is disgusted.

Stealthy Obi-wan follows Fett to Geonosis. There he sees Fett in Conference with Count Dooku and he sees who is behind the assignation attempts. He attempts to report back but is surrounded by droids and captured.

Anakin senses his master is in danger. He contacts the Jedi Council and finds out where Obi-wan was heading then sets course there. Padme refuses to stay behind as she has fallen for the young Jedi. Yoda senses a major battle in the war ahead and Mace Windu rounds up as many Jedi as possible.

Obi-wan is tortured by Dooku who revelas himself to be Darth Maul and a mimic of Master Dypho-Dias (whom he killed several years earlier) He tells Obi-wan that the sith presence is far more powerful than he realizes.

Anakin and Padme attempt a rescue disobeying Mace Windu’s orders to wait for help. They are both captured.

Obi-Wan Padme and Anakin are brought to the arena for killing. As they are tied up Anakin and Padme pledge their love for each other.

Mace Windu arrives and holds Dooku at ligthtsaber point. A droid army pours into the arena and a giant battle takes place. Yoda arrives with clone reinforcements.

C3-P0 (who stays on the ship this time) and R2-D2 use their ship to cut off Dooku’s first point of escape. He then fleas across the desert. Anakin and Obi-Wan give chase and battle Dooku/Maul. Both are defeated and Anakin’s hand is cut off. Yoda comes to the rescue and maul escapes.

Clone forces destroy the major separatist’s resources and the tide of the war has turned in favor of the republic.

Obi-Wan reveals the true nature of Maul and Dooku and the secret origin of the clone army and their connection to the separatists.

Anakin and Padme are secretly married on Naboo

Darth Maul arrives on Couroscant and Darth Sideous tells him that things are going better than expected and that he should focus his efforts on his new assignment: the abduction of Chancellor Palpatine.

Book Review: I Am Charlotte Simmons

I know I don't do many book reviews. The simple reason is it takes me a lot longer to get through a 700 page book than a two and a half hour movie.

So here goes...

I Am Charlotte Simmons
by Tom Wolfe

Tom Wolfe’s latest tome, “I Am Charlotte Simmons” Is the story of college life like you’ve never seen it… unless you’ve been there.

As suggested by the title the story revolves around Charlotte Simmons, an extremely bright young lady from the mountains of North Carolina. She is fluent in French, having the ability to start her college career in 300 level neuroscience classes and an intellectual curiosity that is at the heart the purest of intentions of higher education. Despite these qualities she is quite naïve as to the social habits of college students. And that is the central focus of the conflict of the story.

Charlotte enters the fictitious Dupont University. A school with an academic reputation rivaling those schools in the Ivy League, Stanford or Notre Dame, but also with a national championship basketball program and a football tailgating atmosphere that you’d find a most Big Ten schools. A collage of college experiences if you will.

Charlotte has much difficulty in accepting these college experiences. From her first night in the dorm she is appalled by the rampant drinking, and is scared to death of sex. Those fears later justified as her life begins a downward spiral when she loses her virginity in a less than desirable way.

Complementing the overall theme of the book is a sub plot about the struggle between academics and athletics. A star (white) athlete who is about to loose his starting position on the championship basketball team to a (black) freshman struggles with the fact that this may be all he ever is. Inspired by Charlotte’s academic purity of heart he peruses academics somewhat seriously, instead of taking fluff classes designed to keep athletes academically eligible in the eyes of the NCAA. Her inspiration comes just a moment too late as a history professor accuses the basketball star of plagiarism and an investigation ensues.

As Wolfe takes us to college through the pure eyes of Charlotte Simmons we see the university life contrasts itself with the way it should be. Wolfe goes into great detail explaining the language of these so called aspiring intellectuals. Their liberal use of F-bombs, the rampant sarcasm (quantitatively broken down into three levels defined as SARC-1, 2 or 3), and a series of euphemisms and metaphors that, despite their crudeness, in execution are quite creative.

The honesty of the novel continues with the description of its characters. The style-over-substance frat boy; the militant feminist who has nothing in practice to be militant about; the jock in an institution for learning yet knows nothing; and the academic elites who’s academic honesty stops at their political ideology; and the geek who’s academic interest is equaled only to his jealousy of those who traded learning for popularity.

Charlotte however is a metaphor. She represents intelligence, the fundamental mission of college. It is those around her that represent the flaws of academia and those in it’s ranks.

• Hoyt Thorpe, the popular partying fraternity guy. For all he has to offer Charlotte, the school and what they have to offer him in turn, he turns down for the next beer kegger.
  
• Beverly, Gloria and a host of other boarding-school educated sorority girls who seem more interested in boys than books (insert “Mrs. Degree” joke here).
  
• Benitta and Mimi, the so-called friends of Charlotte, they are definitely looking for the “Mrs. Degree” and they need to climb the social ladder of the college in order to do that. Even if it means gossiping and backstabbing each other to do it.
  
• Adam Gellen, the nerd. He loves Charlotte; he really truly does, but is angry at the world and all those who have kept him in such a humble position in life. His love in the purest sense is put on hold when revenge presets itself.
  
• Jojo Johanson is the athlete who is rather unaware of the academic institution, save the co-eds most of whom are on their backs at the mere mention of his name. However it is his introduction to Charlotte, and the rest of the intellectual environment that reforms him.

The flaws of each of the characters are expressed by the way they use Charlotte and abuse her good nature and also the way they abuse the academic opportunity in front of them. By the end of the novel it is easy to see how much better off they would be if the focus of college life was not the parties, the football games, the fraternity formals and the opportunity for sex at every turn. Charlotte experiences these things, and once she overcomes them, she is stronger for it. Everyone else finds themselves in the same place they started. Only those with Charlotte’s fortitude move toward real success.

Building a better prequil: Episode I

I don't nomrally run to my favorite video store on the day of a DVD release (in thi case Wal*Mart for the bonus DVD "The Story of Star Wars"), but this week I made an exception for my beloved Star Wars. Now back when this film was released in theatres I went to the midnight showing... No I did't dress up! But I did come to the conclusion that there were some things about Episode I and II that if changed would have made the prequil trilloy much better. Therefore I give you my updated versions of the Episodes I and II.

Star Wars: Episode I Twilight of the Republic

Rewrite May 2005
Andrew Zoric

Opening Crawl:

The longstanding peace in the GALACTIC REPUBLIC has been shaken. A separatist movement along the outer rim has many systems to suceeding from the Republic. A major inroad to the core systems has been breached with the peaceful world of NABOO being the next target of the separatists.
With his popularity waning and the pressures of galactic civil war looming CHANCELOR VALORUM has sent two Jedi Knights as a last effort to negotiate peace.

Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi land on Naboo surprised to find that there is no chaos and life is going on as normal, despite the political pressure pulling the planet in both directions.

King Amadalla meets with the Jedi and reassures them that the move to separate from the republic is a peaceful one. He introduces the Jedi to the leader of the separatists, a diplomat named Count Dooku.

Padme approaches Obi-Wan, “Help me, Obi-Wan, you’re my only hope…” She says that Dooku is not what he seems and he is somehow controlling her father’s actions.

Dooku smooth talks Qui-Gon and he agrees to report back to the Jedi Council about both sides of the issue.

Padme joins the Jedi on their return to Couroscant. Dooku then uses Jedi mind powers to convince King Amadalla that his daughter has been kidnapped and to order his militia to destroy their transport. A fight begins and the fugitives narrowly escape to Tatooine, a neutral world of little value to either side of the galactic political structure. In their quest for spare parts the 3 come into the company of young Anakin Skywalker (Played by a slightly older Haley Joel Osment). As it turns out the Jedi and Padme must place their fate in the hands of the young podracer.

Knowing of their narrow escape Dooku tracks the Jedi to Tatooine and with a squadron of droids he attacks the group as Darth Maul. Qui-Gon recognized Maul as something he sensed on Naboo.

Next Stop Couroscant.

Padme meets with Senator Palpatine who urges her, as a member of the royal family to help him convince the senate that the separatist movement is a great threat and that he has negotiated with the world of Kamino who has a clone army at their disposal. They are willing to aide the Republic if the senate would accept them for membership in the Republic.

Meanwhile a report is made to the Jedi Council. Disturbing that the Sith are working against the Republic. The council mistakenly concludes that Dooku is the master of Darth Maul. Anakin is also introduced to the Jedi Council. His training is denied, but Qui-Gon takes him as his ward.

When word of what has happened in the senate reaches Qui-Gon he and his 3 companions (plus 2 droids) re-board their starship to once again for Naboo.
Obi-Wan: Master, we weren’t authorized to re-enter negations.
Qui-Gon: If we can avert a galactic war then we will be saving millions of lives. The Council does not need to authorize that. It is to the benefit of the living Force.

Upon arrival, Padme Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon sneak back into the palace of Theed. Stealth is necessary as droid armies have amassed in the countryside.

Anakin stays with the ship. Upon realizing the trap that has been set he takes off and starts a one-man campaign against the droid armies, displaying superior fighter skill.

Inside Padme approaches her father with Obi-Wan as Qui-Gon seeks out Dooku. Dooku then reveals himself to be Darth Maul which surprised Qui-Gon. An epic Lightsaber battle begins.

Anakin is overwhelmed by the sheer number of droid fighters until clone re-enforcements arrive. An all out battle in the skies above Naboo and around the capitol city takes place.

Anakin joins a squad of clone fighters and attacks the central orbiting satellite.

Obi-wan senses his master is in danger and runs to his aide. He sees Qui-Gon fighting Maul but cannot help. Qui-Gon is killed and Maul escapes. Qui-Gon asks Obi-Wan to train Anakin in his dying breath, instead of telling about the Dooku/Maul connection.

Naboo is saved.
Yoda: The first casualty, Master Qui-Gon is, of these Clone wars.
Mace Windu: And about this Dark Jedi working with Dooku?

Yoda: Always two there are, a master and an aprentice.